MAN PLANS, GOD SMILES, SATAN LAUGHS

(otherwise titled: I shall be dieting this winter…)

Zoë Sharp

 

I recall a friend sending me the following piece years ago. I’ve no idea what the title is, but at the time it made me laugh.

 

Now I view it more as a cautionary tale...

 

 

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

 

Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Cookie Dough Ice Cream and Magnums.

 

And Satan said, “You want hot fudge with that?”

 

And Man said, “Yes!”

 

And Woman said, “I’ll have one too—with chocolate chips.”

 

And lo they gained 10 pounds.

 

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

 

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.

 

And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

 

So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.”

 

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.

 

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

 

God then said, “I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.”

 

And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak, so big it needed its own platter.

 

And Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.

 

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

 

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats, adding copious quantities of salt.

 

And Man put on more pounds.

 

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

 

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

 

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

 

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

 

And Satan created Mcdonald's and the 99p double cheeseburger.

 

Then Satan said, “You want fries with that?”

 

And Man replied, “Yeah, and Super Size ’em.”

 

And Satan said, “It is good.”

 

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

 

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery, available free on the National Health Service.

 

And then Satan chuckled and created the NHS Waiting List.

This week’s Word of the Week is vade mecum, a Latin phrase, which has no English equivalent but—translated literally—means ‘go with me’. It is used in reference to a book that is a wise and helpful guide through life—something one would be loath to be without. Your Desert Island book of choice, perhaps? To have written something that is considered a vade mecum would be the pinnacle of any writer’s career.