Dear Milton Adair Tingling,
I am not showing up for jury duty this morning. I am supposed to be at the courthouse in an hour. But, despite your dire warning of $1000 fine, a month in the pokey, or BOTH,...
... I am not coming.
I could say that I am playing hooky because I am on deadline for my next book--due to my publisher on May 10, and I still have about thirty thousand words to go.
I could say that I am already late for a prior commitment: getting this blog up hours ago, and that I was having too much fun with family and friends on Easter Sunday to remember to do it yesterday.
Though both of these assertions are true, I fully intended to show up. But I am staying home because...
...I am afraid to go outside.
I have already fallen down twice this winter--once in December and once in March, and have had to take two trips (pun intended) to the emergency room.
This is my only real defense for shirking my responsibility.
I know that I could have asked for a postponement. But your summons clearly states that I have already had one. Besides which, I did not expect that on April 2, we would be having yet another blizzard*. If today had been clear, I assure you I would have come to 100 Center Street. If my summons had been for later in the day, when the sidewalks will be cleared, I might have risked my bone structure and made it in. But the white stuff is coming down right now--going 8AM, and I am NOT going out in it.
Send the police, if you must. This above is the defense I will mount. If this does not work, I will try this:
If you send me to jail in spite of the above, I warn you: Your name may become the moniker of the villain in my next book.
Unlike the weather, I consider this warning fair;
Sincerely yours,
Patricia King aka Annamaria Alfieri
*PS: There is an imposter in the White House who says there is no such thing as climate change. When he is on trial for that and his many other crimes against humanity, I will gladly serve on the jury. For as long as it takes.
Posts
Hillarious, AmA. Inspired. You go, girl. Or, rather, don't you go, girl.
ReplyDeleteGlad your laughing, EvKa. I hope I will still be smiling tomorrow.
DeleteTo bad the City closed down the Women's House of Detention on Sixth Avenue. It would have been convenient to your apartment. :)
ReplyDeleteMy brother, I remember that big, depressing brown building very well. Hey, maybe they will sentence me to sit for a month in the lovely garden that now occupies that space. If spring ever comes, I would like that very much.
ReplyDeleteYou go, girl! I think you've mounted a logical and good defense. Snow in April? No climate change. Fake news!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Janet. If I go on trial, I hope you are on the jury! PM me your postal address so I can send you and Frank that promised book.
ReplyDeleteMost states allow individuals to opt out of jury duty on reaching a set age. NY's seems to be 75. Safer than not showing up.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you stayed home. I'd rather you were safe - and if they try to come for you, I know a lot of great lawyers, some of whom (cough, Jeff) might even be licensed in the Great State of New York.
ReplyDeleteNot to mention family rates.
DeleteWhen I think about the two of you, lawyers (ahem) suddenly become my favorite people.
DeleteDefinitely, do NOT go out in snow storms or when ice is on the ground. I, too, have had bad falls and I do not do it, even to assuage my need for chocolate.
ReplyDeleteMaybe your injuries from your March fall are still bothering you. Could well be.
Glad these are author-lawyers available.