Friday, November 7, 2014

I belong to Glasgow....

                                                          The Science Centre, Glasgow

I have been thinking what a Bouchercon hiatus could actually mean:

a) A surgical procedure to circumvent a blockage somewhere anatomically and ghastly
b) A hole in the ozone layer caused by the hot air produced by garrulous crime writers
c) A rare breed of dog, as you might say he’s part terrier/ part hiatus

As I am none of the above I am blogging as usual. This is also because I am a girlie swot.
This blog is about Glasgow and about  something I read on the internet, namely 15 things that show you are a weggie. Many years ago Billy Connolly said the mark of a Glaswegian was having two ring marks round your legs where the Wellies start.
Or stop.
 On the popular radio comedy show  “I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue” (which is full of Peter Cook, Dudley Moore, John Cleese type of humour) they had a small sketch about how the towns of Britain would advertise themselves.
Based on New York, New York - so good they named it twice.

So York -so good they named it once.
Essex  - the garage of England.
Liverpool -  the Beatles came from here. Did we mention that?
Hartlepool -  where they hanged a monkey once by mistake but now are committed to urban renewal.  ( They did actually hang a monkey once in Hartlepool - they thought it was a French spy or something.)
Then Simon Pegg says Glasgow - the birthplace of stabbing,
To which  Armando Iannucci replies “I’d just like to say I’m from Glasgow and when you said it was the birthplace of stabbing I am assuming you are referring to Sir Ronin Stabbing the distinguished Scottish author”.
Simon replies “Yes of course I was”.
Armando replies “Who was also the first person to stab someone”.


So here are ten ways you will know you are Glaswegian ... with thanks to Barry Rowstoun;


1. You think of Edinburgh is part of England
    They are posh, they don't talk with a proper accent and they are soft.

2. There is a sense of pride in the City’s crime statistics
    Glasgow tops the European Crime rate with Moscow. We think this is a good thing. This was    
    being talked about on a panel at Crimefest and the Scots were doing well on the violence  
    scoreboard until Michael Sears mentioned Johannesburg.  Not even we can beat that.

3. Being Baltic
    Means a temperature change from very cold to extremely cold. It's not a geographical term at all.

4. Your maw
    Is a response to everything, it depends on how it's said.
    Disbelief.. I've just won the lottery.   Yer Maw
    Lucky beggar    I've just won the lottery Yer Maw
    I'm going to relieve you physically of your lottery winnings, with force if needed. Answer 'You
    and yer maw.'  which means the same as You and Whose Army?

5. You know over 60 phrases for being drunk
    I'm not listing all of  them but blootered is probably my favourite. Bladdered. Rat- Arsed. Steamin'     Etc, Etc

6. You have been killed on Taggart
     Or your house has been the scene of a murder. I was killed - a blonde physio called Karen was  
     harpooned. Do I mean Harpooned? I mean crossbowed. I fell out a linen cupboard with a bolt
    sticking out my abdomen but my hair and make up were perfect.
7. Three common meanings of the word ginger.
     One is very unPC. One means red haired. The other is a fizzy drink, any fizzy drink.

8. Being asked what team you support means a lot more than what team do you support
     They are asking what religion you are. Also what foot do you kick with or what school did you go      to. It was an influence in the Neverendum (as the referendum is now called), the unionist  
     protestants being  pro Monarchy and the Catholics not being.  Or so it was said. The joke
     goes...'So are you a Catholic (pronounced Skafflik) or a protestant (pronounced Prodinstant). ?
    The confused gentleman says  I am Jewish.  The Glaswegian also looks confused for a moment and
     then asks..'Yeah but Catholic Jewish or Protestant Jewish?'

9. Some cretin you know from school/borstal/young offenders institution is now a world class artist
    Or a world class crime writer. We are creative, in our strange violent, sectarian kind of way.


                                                      Jimmy Boyle's statue

10. You’re not convinced that coffee can ever be that complicated
 I mean whit? It's coffee for goodness sake.

                                                           Glasgow Central

See some of you soon in Bouchercon

Caro Ramsay 07 11 2014


  1. I can't believe you're actually coming all the way to Long Beach. Wow. Neither Bouchercon nor the Queen Mary will ever be the same. I certainly won't be, as I've been diligently working on pronouncing "Glaswegian" with an appropriately inebriated slur. Lord knows what I may have to do to master "Reykjavikian."

  2. C, I love this. Viva Glaswegians! See you SOON!!!

  3. I must admit that I dinna understand half of what you wrote and rote half of what I read, but none the less, yes, I'd like another one, and don't just fill it from the bottom, I'd like at least half of it flowing over the top, the top of my lower lip that is. What's that? My knickers are twistin' yer what? Oh, never mind, I think I have a hiatus of the brain.

  4. If your crime writing ever goes down the loo you can always do humor!

  5. See you all in Bouchercon but I will not be wearing my tartan wellies! And Evka, to have a hiatus of the brain, I think you have to start off with a brain but never mind.
    Jono, you're not the first one to say that!

    1. If I didn't have a bottle in front of me, I think I'd need a frontal lobotomy.

      Wait a minute... what did you just say? I think I've just been skewered by a VERY sharp instrument!

  6. Love the definition of what it means to be Glaswegian, Caro. And just to prove it's true, I saw three Scots interviewed on one of the news programmes last night. The only one of them who didn't sound Scottish was from Edinburgh ...