Most Stupid Criminals
As crime writers we work really hard to
make our baddies (I was recently taken to task for gender-biased generalization
by referring to the antagonists in my books as “bad guys”) realistic. Generally
speaking, they are not maniacal geniuses with a penchant for
hollowed-out-volcano living, classic G-Plan furniture and fluffy white cats.
However, neither are they in the running
for the Darwin Awards for gross
stupidity. Of course, the Darwin Awards are primarily given to people who have
removed themselves permanently from the gene pool in the most idiotic and
spectacular way. What I’m interested in here are those individuals with no
talent for crime, yet who insist on committing it. The very ones, in fact, we
would struggle to put into a book for fear of the inevitable cry: “Surely that
would never happen!”
Much like the people who stripped off on a
sacred mountain in Malaysia recently, American couple Alex Rust and Vanessa Palm
may not have realised what they did was a crime. But then they posted pictures
on Facebook of them eating Iguana in the Bahamas. When they did so they quickly discovered such a practice is illegal there, and ended up in jail.
Fugitive Maxi Sopo was found after Friending someone from the Department of Justice, that he thought was also into
the Cancun Club scene. Then he told him where he lived. Whoopsie!
In May, Paul Robert Benson, a 24-year-old
from Lurgan, stole groceries from his local supermarket. He might have got away
without being identified, if he hadn’t decided to wear a Manchester United top
with 'Benson 22' written on the back. The judge sentencing him to 12 months’
probation said that he might as well have had a neon sign on his back.
In March 1989 in South Carolina, Michael
Anderson Godwin was a lucky murderer whose death sentence had been commuted to
life in prison. Ironically, he was sitting on the metal toilet in his cell and
attempting to fix the TV set when he bit down on a live wire and electrocuted
himself.
Always a good idea, if you’re going to
carry out a successful robbery is to line up a good getaway vehicle. A gang of
thieves from Colombia dismissed a car or a motorcycle in favour of Xavi, a
10-year-old donkey. They stole Xavi from his owner. This happened 12 hours
before the main robbery, so they had plenty of time to look for a car (or
really anything but a donkey), but they decided to stick to the donkey plan. The three criminals successfully robbed a
convenience store, stealing food and rum. Then they loaded their goods onto the
donkey and prepared to make their escape, but Xavi decided not to cooperate. Up
until this point, police were not even aware that a robbery had taken place,
but Xavi started making so much noise that he attracted the attention of some
nearby officers. The robbers fled on foot, leaving behind Xavi—along with, of
course, all of the stolen goods loaded onto him.
One of the keys to a successful burglary is
to find the right target. A really perfect house would be full of valuables
with no people inside. The next best thing would probably be a home where the
residents are sleeping. Now, on the opposite side of the spectrum, try to
imagine what would make the worst target. How about a house full of police
officers? That’s what Darren Kimpton of Abington, Northampton chose. The home
he selected had already been burgled earlier that night. The owner had called
the police, and officers were on the scene investigating the previous burglary
when Kimpton broke in. He tried to make a run for it but was captured after a
brief struggle. That wasn’t Kimpton’s first unsuccessful burglary attempt of
the day. He’d previously tried to break into a nearby house but failed to do
so. He did, however, manage to break some glass, cut himself, and leave blood
at the scene, so cops easily linked the crime to him.
In October 2013, a man from Perth tried to
rob a corner shop, and was foiled by his trousers. He took the till, and tried
to run away with it, but his trousers were so loose they kept falling down. In
the end he was forced to drop the till so he could hang onto his trousers. In
the confusion he also dropped his knife and a pair of gloves, and the police used
a sniffer dog to track him down. He was jailed for three and a half years.
Any spectacularly stupid and unsuccessful
crimes that you’ve come across recently?
This week’s Word of the Week is hamartia, which refers to a protagonist’s
fundamental flaw or error which leads to a reversal of fortune from good to
bad.
