It's Time For a Laugh

 

Jeff–Saturday

 

Over the past few weeks my posts have drifted toward the serious, but I sense folks are looking for something else. After all, who can blame them considering the state of our world. So, I’ve turned to the source of humor from another age, Reader’s Digest, and thanks to its Editors I’m offering a selection of “short jokes anyone can remember.” If you want to see all 101, and a lot of other humor lists, here’s the link. https://www.rd.com/list/short-jokes/

 

Warning, some do require bit of thought. 

 

So, without further ado, permit me to simply say, as the kindly farmer did when holding out a fistful of carrots to his favorite female baby goat, “These are for ewe kid.”

 

*What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

 

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

*I invented a new word!

Plagiarism!

*Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

*Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”

Because every play has a cast.

*Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

*Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. 

I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

*Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

*A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

*A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

*Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

*Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space.

*Why don’t scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

*Why did the chicken go to the séance?

To get to the other side.

*Where are average things manufactured?

The satisfactory.

*How do you drown a hipster?

Throw him in the mainstream.

*What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

*How does Moses make tea?

He brews.

*Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally. 

*How do you keep a bagel from getting away?

Put lox on it.

*A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

*Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?

Because you should never drink and derive.

*What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.

*What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. 

*What’s the different between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

*Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

It’s two gross.

*What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

“Curses! Foil again!”

 

THAT’S ALL FOLKS.  For now.

 

–Jeff

 

Monday, April 4, 7:30 p.m. ET
The Poisoned Pen Bookstore
Scottsdale, AZ
Virtual event

Tuesday, April 5, 7:00 p.m. ET
Mystery Lovers Bookshop
Pittsburgh, PA
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Thursday, April 7, 8:00 p.m. ET
Book Carnival
Orange, CA
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Friday, April 22, 9:00 p.m. ET
Third Place Books
Lake Forest Park, WA
Virtual event, register here!

Saturday, May 14
Greater Pittsburgh Festival of Books
Pittsburgh, PA
In-person event