Bobs and Daves

Dave and Bob, Bob and Dave

Christopher fowler always has two migrant worker builders in his books. They never do much but comment on the lack of progress in the current investigation, make numerous cups of tea and play with Crippen, the resident cat of the peculiar crime unit.

They are both called Dave or both called Bob.

Dave and Bob. Anybody of that name must be a man of the people, Bob is Bob and Robert is not. Dave is the classic comedy channel on Virgin Media. Dave is the bloke who tells jokes in the pub. He’s a real diamond geezer.

It was said at a panel at Bouchercon, and by many others before that the USA and the UK are two countries divided by a mutual language.

And a lot more. Like a big bit of water.

On our last day in the states we met Bob and Dave USA style.

We had left St Petes to go….westish and up a bit, to a place called Indian Rocks. It’s that long spickle of land ( well really a collection of rocky islands) on the bit of Florida that looks out to Texas and Mexico side.  Clearwater is 7 miles to the south or north, of where we were staying. Having spotted that on the map I asked HWMBI if there was any credence to the rumours of Clearwater’s revival.
See what I did there!

 He told me to go away.

                           

Anyhow. We had booked a small place there, 364 steps to the best, from a guy called Bob.  Bob was an American, he knew about a lot of  stuff, wore a fancy shirt and a straw hat. He had bright blue flinty eyes, that sparkled as hard as diamonds.  He was a retired teacher of English as a foreign language (????), skint in his retiral due to putting his daughter through college. I think wife number one had cleaned him out. Wife number two was called Miho, a lovely retired Japanese librarian. They had bought the place to let out for some income to eek out his pension, and he added he was thinking about driving for Uber to aid things along. I suspect most of Bob’s life had been aquatic, lots of bobbing around one would presume.    The place was a single unit, a bungalow, split into two apartments, small, minimalist but, as HWMBI would say, as a true Scot, attractively priced. And it was only 300 steps from the beach, past a shop that sold ice cream.

                         

So that was Bob, more about him in a few weeks. 

Then we met Dave the Uber driver who took us back to the airport. He was a talker. And then some.

I have a natural aversion to taxis. I avoid them at all costs. Taxis are the natural home of the serial killer. I spend all my time looking at the back of their head, ready to garrotte them if they try to reach for the gaffa tape. 

                        

So Dave appears.  He was a Venezuelan born, naturalised American. He has published one book and has another five on the pipeline (Alan thought I was very good to say nothing – not that I could get a word in edgeways and in any case, I had my garrotte ready)

                             

 Here are ten highlights of the thoughts of Dave.

1)      He would never vote for Trump, never has and never will. But he thinks he’s a good guy. He like the way he has cut all USA foreign aid in order to feed the poor at home. And he does things, ‘boom boom boom boom.’ He was fond of saying Boom Boom Boom Boom.

                                            

2)      He thinks the pope is (unprintable). Dave is a good Catholic who thinks the Pope should interfere more in the politics of South America. He’s a friend of Maradona and that’s a terrible example to set anybody. The worse problems in the world are caused by ideology and religion. He clutched his rosary beads as he said this.

                                    

3)      Religion causes religious war and that kills people. The Muslims are at it now but the Catholics used to do it. The Catholics have learned their lesson and don’t kill people any more. The Muslims should learn from this

                                     

4)      Dave is proof that it is possible to drive without putting your hands anywhere near the steering wheel at any time. And you can drive forward while looking backwards.

5)      Putin, and others (couldn’t catch them but Castro was in there) are mind-bending peoples’ psyche towards Communism. People who believe in Communism and Socialism are wacko. Boom Boom Boom. Cuba, Venezuela, Nicaragua are all corrupt, killing thousands. He hated socialism and socialist, he wanted the power to be in the hands of the people and equal wealth. boom boom boom.

                                  

6)       Venezuela will be invaded before the end of the year by the surrounding countries as Venezuela gave their oil and uranium to USSR (as it was) for nothing.  The Venezuelan President had a lot to do with this.

                     

                                          

7)      The British are all serial killers (so the feeling was mutual then) and cold bloodied. But they are good at Imperialism and leave behind good behaviour in countries they have colonised.

                                         

8)      The British killed Diana as she was more popular than the Queen in the hearts of the common people. And it’s the people that matter. They should have the power. All the power should be with the people.

                     

                                     

9)       Communism and socialism are terrible diseases of society and are wacko. Dave is a huge supporter of Capitalism, and trying to get on by doing the best for himself. He has a poorly paid job in a laundry and drives for Uber at the weekend. He despises corporations and those that keep the profit from filtering down to the poor.  Britain is great (as the name might suggest) because they have free healthcare and look after the poor in society. But all socialism sucks and is wacko.  The USA likes to keep everybody on drugs as it makes the drug companies richer, whereas if you get treatment in GB, you are better in a week. This was accompanied by a mime. The USA puts drugs down the throat, GB gives you cream to rub on your arm.

                                           

10)   In airport British Airways is blue, and always should be. If it was red that would be wacko.

We went into the airport, sat down and both had a very strong coffee.

                                   

Dave is going in a book.

 Caro Ramsay   21 09 2018