Friday, July 4, 2014

Weegies V Burgers or how the West was Won.

Forget Frasier V Ali.
Forget McEnroe V Borg
Forget Tom V Jerry
This was the big one

The Beasts from the East  V The Best from the West


                 Keeping  in our corners- Frank, Neil, Doug, Craig (In charge ha!) Me, Matt, Douglas

Knowledgeable Neil Broadfoot

                                                             Fruity Frank Muir

Deputy Doug.

Capt Caro  (girlie swot)

Mad Matt Bendoris

                                                              Dazzling Douglas Skelton

We are very lucky in Glasgow to have two great Waterstones shops – one of which is a converted cinema!
They are located in Sauchiehall Street and Argyle Street. The managers of each are very keen to do the one thing that Amazon can’t do; that personal touch. Or in our case – get authors to verbally abuse each other or the audience. Or indeed anybody not there to defend themselves.
It was great fun, very  funny. The audience were in hoots.

It was part of the Crime in the City series of events to celebrate crime fiction. The finale was this panel event - 'the beasts from the east v the best from the west. Or as it was known even before kick off, the losers v the winners.

The natural charm, eloquence and threatening demeanor of the Glaswegian would always see us through.
We had 3 authors from the west (hurrah!) – 3 from the east (boo!) and our very biased ‘chair’ – who gave me 30 points simply for introducing myself because he is ‘scared of me’. Although Craig lives in Stirling, (central) is a westie – you can tell that by his high IQ, his good looks, his charm and the fact I am keeping in with him as there is going to be a rematch and we want the ref on our side.

Craig started off by giving us one  fact about each author:

One wrote to the Scottish Parliament to complain about there being no broadband in his house
One was once a lumberjack
One wrote the book because of a promise to his granny
One wrote his entire book by Blackberry
One was voted in the top twenty sexiest crime writers
One has a Phd in nuclear physics

And so the well organised quiz started and it was polite and lovely for all of ten  minutes. Then it turned into a good old rammy. Our team was somewhat impeded on the cultural front by the  writer Matt Bendoris who wrote a self help book for serial killers called Killing with Confidence. He is also a tabloid journalist.

                                                         Is this Matt at his work?
                                                            (photo from the Sun)

So to sum up, Glasgow is the industrial heartland full of honest heart working folk who tell you what they
think. Edinburgh sees itself as full of culture and it has a castle. And that's about it.

 We are Billy Connolly. Face like we found a fiver.

 They are Miss Jean Brodie.  Face like a bitter lemon
There is a saying that you get more fun at a Glasgow stabbing than an Edinburgh wedding.

We are McIlvanney.
 They are Rankin.
 Here we say ‘Do you want a cup of tea’? Over there they say, ‘You’ll have already had your tea then?’

In Edinburgh sex is something the coal comes in. Glaswegians (Weegies) eat chips with their fingers. Edinburgh folk ( Burgers) eat with a daft wee forky thing.
Then Glasgow became The European City of Culture and Irvine Welsh wrote Trainspotting. And things began to change.

But it was always the Weegies V The Burgers.
Here are the jokes..
Why do Edinburgers walk so lopsided?
Because of the chip on their shoulder.

An old drunk, Santa Claus, the tooth fairy and an intelligent Glaswegian are walking down the street. They see a fifty pound note. Who picks it up?
The drunk of course as the other three are fictional. ( I only put that in to appear unbiased )

What do you call an burger with a sense of humour. A tourist.

Here’s one for Everett to try his accent....,
A Glaswegian lady goes to the dentist and she wriggles about in his chair.
'Comfy?' he asks
'Glasgow,' she answered.

What do guys from Edinburgh use as contraception?
Their personalities.

You only have to look at the coastlines to  see the difference.  Sailing out of the west every kind of nook and cranny, island and sea loch.


Edinburgh has this. One rock, that's yer lot

Then I realised, as I sat on the panel that Doug is a Westie, Neil is from the central belt and Frank  is a Weegie through and through – he just writes about St Andrews.
So basically there were no real Burgers brave enough to make the 35 mile trip. Probably scared we would force feed them chips. Without forks.

So the west won 460-310.
We retired respectfully as all Scots do, to the pub to catch the end of the World Cup game. The honours on our own field of play already decided.
Frank leaving early for the pub to get his  round in, proving he's a Glasgow boy

Caro   04 07 2014
Ps, Douglas was the broadband, Neil wrote the book for his granny, Matt wrote his on his Blackberry, Frank was a lumberjack and Doug has a PhD.  So now you know....


  1. You were doing great, giving comparisons of everything, Edinburgh vs. Glasgow, and then you ripped Edinburgh a new one for their sex exploits (or lack thereof), but then said naught about Glasgow's sex. Hmm...

    Okay, madly dashing back and forth between the PS and the middle of the blog...let's see, broadband, no, gran, no, blackberry, no, lumberjack, no, PhD, no, what's left... oh. Well, that explains the Glasgow sex, I guess.

  2. Oh... and earlier this week, I stumbled upon (no, don't worry, I'm okay) this YouTube video that I knew you'd enjoy, and have been saving it for today, "Scottish Colloquialisms featuring Karen Gillan":

    Now I understand!

  3. I'm so glad to hear that for Burgers at least "sex is something," and not simply some "daft wee forky thing."

    I'm sure Everett's accents can tinker around with that concept a bit, hopefully keeping him far away from tracking down your secret, much deserved distinction.

  4. Thanks guys... Ma heid's in parsley ;)

  5. I love this blog! You keep me reminded that we live on a global site. Thelma Straw in Manhattan

  6. Caro, like my fellow Manhattanite, I love this post. You make me laugh, give me insight into why I didn't fall in love with Scotland till my third visit, when I finally visited Glasgow. Until then, I had been told (by Burgers!) that there was nothing to see there. They were, my visit taught me, trying to keep me from learning that Glasgow had wonderful sights to see AND very attractive men!

    Speaking of men, the ones on this blog, while very good looking, have chosen to torture me with their posts. One by lording (lairding?) it over me that he was drinking my favorite wine in the land of its birth and I was not. The other by going on at GREAT length about the failings of British Airways, the airline I will be taking next month to Nairobi. Thank you, my sister, for giving me this pleasurable interlude between the pain they are dishing out. Do I have to point out that they are both Burgers? Oh yes! Not Edin-. Johannes- and Pitts-, but Burgers nonetheless.

    1. To pick up on your concerns, Annamaria of the Weegies (a bit uncomfortable sounding I must say), may I suggest that pre-flight you pick up and inflight consume a few bottles of what one of "the men" wrote about and then you won't much care about what the other had to say. :)

  7. Now I have to visit Scotland and see if all this is true. I suspect it is.