Saturday, October 15, 2011

Oh Lord, Won't You Buy Me a Big-Screen TV...

And a HD-3D-Internet one at that.  I feel so guilty. 

All these years I’ve hummed that classic Janis Joplin’s melody as a sort of subconscious sub rosa protest at what I saw as obsessive, conspicuous consumption all about me.  Of course I’m not including in that the absolute necessity for my having a top of the line new MacBook Air to hammer out words, because one should always have access to a portable computer capable of countering Iranian launch codes or engaging galactic evil in warfare to save our planet. Sorry, that example is a bit redundant.
But I have an admission to make.  This week in NYC, I took the plunge and bought a new TV (make that two).  It’s been almost fifteen years since I purchased my last one.  And I couldn’t tell you the make of that old TV if you water-boarded me to a loop of The Absolutely Positively Real Wives of Orange County.  

All I know is that when I described what I had been calling my TV to a salesman at one of those big appliance stores he called it an “Annie Log,” or something like that.  Then he said I didn’t have a flat, which I didn’t take as all that perceptive since I don’t even own a car here. 

Considering my propensity for mating with appliances for well beyond their useful lives, I decided it probably best that I learn a bit more about the available field before taking the big step.  So, I turned to the good book for guidance.

No, not the one so many American political groups are battling to claim as their own personal publication; the other one, Consumer Reports.  When I am in need it delivers me.  Or rather tells me who will deliver what I need. 

Since the next time I buy a TV (or two) there’s a good chance Heaven Can Wait will be available for viewing on the original Cloud Network, I decided to opt for one(s) with cutting edge features.  I figured that should keep me relatively current with technology for at least a month, maybe two.

But where to buy it?  Thank God for my zillion megahertz portable computer.  It whizzed me across the Internet to a virtual purchasers’ heaven.  Deals were everywhere.  So guess where I bought it (and its little brother)?  From the American bricks and mortar retailers’ number one nemesis, Amazon.  That place has extraordinary prices on everything, including massages and out-on-the-town nights (delivered separately I presume). 

Okay, so maybe the rest of the planet already knew that, but what do you expect from someone who’s been living under a rock on a Greek island all these years?  Let’s show a little compassion, imagine how I suffered for my ignorance.  Forced to find massages and party nights on my own, think of all the Greek television I missed.  Those innumerable soccer games, C-grade movie reruns, screaming matches by uninformed political commentators, and Turkish-based soap operas showing what life is all about in the minds of their producers. 

Now, thanks to Amazon, I’ll not only have a new TV (plus one) but the time to watch American Football, insightful cable TV news programs, classic films, and serialized sagas based on life in foreign places (See, ­Id., Orange County).  Who needs Greek television, we’ve got it all here!

There is a caveat to this Amazon love fest.  If you order a really big TV (or two) and are not equipped or proficient enough to install it yourself, the cost of hiring someone to do it for you may chew up whatever you saved over that bricks and mortar, installation included, price.  I’m only saying that to alert you, not to suggest that I would have made such a stupid miscalculation (twice).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must figure out how to program my remote(s).  Hmm, any six-year-olds out there available to lend me a hand with that?



  1. Congratulations on being up to date for a minute or two. Not only do I have a 6 year old computer, but I haven't the faintest idea how you will work your TV(s) in Greece. Or are you not taking them there? Frankly, just the thought of all those new electronics is overwhelming. It only took me two calls to Amazon to teach me how to download books to my kindle because I don't have WIFI! But I'm still a nice person as are you, And you sure made me laugh. Now you can watch all those housewives do what it is they do.

  2. Gee, I didn't know they had TV in Greece. Last time I was there, the big show was to go to a temple at sunset and stare at the friezes because the shadows moved. Or maybe it was the herbal cigarettes someone gave me.

    Simon Cowell in the Greek Islands? Most depressing thought of a week that has not lacked in depressing thoughts.

  3. Since both Lil and Tim think I'm bringing those TVs to Greece, I take full responsibility for creating that wrong impression. Of course, were it just Tim thinking that, I'd have sloughed blame off on the herbs.

    No, they shall remain safely in an English speaking country...much like other famous Greek temple friezes of a shadowy past.

    By the way, on the subject of those depressing thoughts, Tim, I'm testing the TV by watching what will likely be the final game of the Texas Rangers-Detroit Tigers NLCS, and guess which ex-White House occupant, and former owner of that Houston Texas baseball team, is out there enjoying the game without an apparent care in the world?

  4. Did ja see the Umpire bow and scrape to the guy who shall not be named? How can he call a fair game with the ex-president watching? Of course, I was rooting for Detrroit. They really did themselves in.

  5. Lil,

    I remember Detroit's manager, Leland, from his Pirate days. His expression has never changed, but last night REALLY tested it. And yes, thank you for not pointing out that it was the ALCS, not NLCS game, though both sound to me more like acronyms for clandestine operations set up by that guy sitting behind first base than baseball. Perhaps that's the answer to what happened last night: Detroit's pitching (and defense) was on an undercover assignment. Sorry about that.