My Re-Introduction to Greek Hand Gesture Cursing

 

Jeff––Saturday

 

Summertime this year on Greece’s Aegean Cycladic islands is so hot that I’ve noticed an abnormal number of tourists struggling with what to wear.  Some choose too little, some too much, some nothing at all.

 

To each his/her/their own is fine with me. But being the naturally helpful fellow I am, I sometimes can’t resist offering a bit of unsolicited advice to the clothing-impaired passing beneath my seaside balcony.  I’m aghast, though, at how a simple shouted phrase like “take it off” is so often misconstrued by the object of my heartfelt concern.

 

Worse still, I’m receiving a re-education into the vagaries of silent Greek cursing.

 

To elaborate, please allow me to provide you with this quick course on quiet coarse cursing.  

 

Greeks have a host of far different, more colorful methods for expressing displeasure than the simple middle finger “shooting the bird.”  So, as a public service for those seeking a less than politically correct guide to Greek hand gestures, here are my top five or so obscene ones…as illustrated by my capable ancient Greek assistant, an A(n)donis in his own right. 

 

Let’s start with the “waving hand” gesture. 

 

If you happen to see two Greek men waving at each other—hands extended straight out from their shoulders—it’s not a “Howdy, my friend, how you doing?” moment.   It even has a name, the moutza. You’ll quite often see it serve as the precursor to a road rage incident when flashed by the victim of a driver’s incomprehensible decision, such as passing a car in the face of on-coming traffic only to cut back in line barely inches from the soon to be moutza flashing other driver’s front bumper, running a stop sign, turning without warning, or otherwise demonstrating that the common sense rules of the road don’t apply to that driver. 

 

The moutza is the classic, non-verbal Greek method of expressing that you are the dumbest S.O.B. to walk the earth…or have done an award-winning stupid act.

 

And for the really stupid (acts and people), there’s the double moutza, though that’s rarely expressed in a driving situation except by a driver deserving of the double moutza himself… or herself.  For, yes, even women are known to flash the moutza on occasion.

 

Another gesture, one rarely expressed by a woman, is the one-handed chop in the direction of your own genital area or, if really incensed, a two-handed chop.  I say rarely by a woman because the dialog accompanying the act generally includes a reference “to my balls,” and is meant to convey, “I don’t give a damn about your opinion. Don’t waste my time with nonsense.”

 

There is a unisex version available for those so inclined.  It’s a one- or two-handed chop in the direction of the bottom of your shoes accompanied by a phrase roughly meaning “I write your words on the bottom of my old shoes because they’re so meaningless.”

 

Though you’ll often see in modern Greece the “up yours” sign of one hand clasping the inside of the bent other arm at the elbow, or admittedly, the middle finger salute, but purest Greeks regard them as coarser gestures corruptive of the classic Greek. “Up yours is Italian,” said my expert, and “this” flashing of the finger “is now part of America’s political culture” despite its Greco-Roman origins.

 

For the really hard-core classic Greek gesture equivalent to our revered middle finger, my friend demonstrated the time honored…drum roll…open handed, bent middle finger. 

 

I hope by now you appreciate the spicey repertoire of gestures I’ve been subject to these past several days…while recovering from an unexpected bout of heat exhaustion; an experience that might explain any sense of dementia associated with the creation of this post.

 

A CLOSING WORD OF CAUTION BEYOND STAY HYDRATED.  Though many of these gestures are exchanged among friends in a teasing, playful way, the indiscriminate use of them can be hazardous to one’s health.  To paraphrase Jim Croce’s great lyric, “You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit into the wind, and you don’t flash the finger at the old Lone Ranger unless you want to end up skinned.”

 

—Jeff