Guest Blog; The Crime Writer's Girl Friday

I thought I’d start this blog with a wee quote about customer service…only to realise with a quick google that those quotes were clearly written by someone who had never worked in customer service. The old adage that the customer is always right…. 

Working on a reception desk is very different to other types of customer service, such as bar work or retail but it comes with its own stories and hazards. I started my first shift chasing a standard poodle up and down the practice (concluding with a headbutt from said dog and the realisation that they hadn’t mentioned danger pay in the contract - lesson learned). 

My second began with a patient introducing herself as ‘the prostitute from Absolution’ (She did point out the errors in her character: 1. She did not have skinny legs. 2. She would never wear green ankle boots. 3. She was not a prostitute). 

By day three when someone stole cuttings off the spider plant on the desk this seemed perfectly normal (incidentally I’d thought it was plastic, apparently not).

 

A spider plant, not the same one, it’s now an ex-spider plant. 

In the years since then there have been plenty of stories, some funny, some sad, some sentimental, some downright odd (that may just be working for Caro though, I’ll leave that up to you. Just recalled the time our friendly pathologist  and Caro were talking at reception about how long a two year old would stay alive when looked in a cold cupboard. I had explaining to do as they drifted into the treatment room.). We’ve had the great heist of 2018 –not that any patients believed us, they all thought it was a crime writer’s joke and the fingerprint dust was very realistic  and the CSI guy was a male model – and at least three floods. The latter gave me a new perspective on water torture after a nine hour shift with water pouring through the ceiling, the lost plumber yet again calling for directions and every one of the fifty patients that day starting the conversation with “oh do you have a leak?”. No, we’re trialling a new water feature. Sadly I think such a response breaks those customer service rules, as does murder.  

 

Okay so this is a slight exaggeration, but the sound was similar. 

We did have an interesting addition to reception recently that wasn’t unplanned gallons of water, when a patient asked if they could bring their puppy in with them while they waited on their partner. A nine week old Jack Russell and Chihuahua cross (a Jackahuahua?), she was an instant hit with other patients, tiny, if a little bitey and very cute. She ended up posing for pictures, chewed several buttons and was almost smuggled out in someone’s scarf.  

Seeing the potential benefits of a dog in reception I offered to bring my own. Caro says he’s not a real dog, I think she means too cute…or possibly too mad.  

 

No shoe is safe… 

I learned to adjust my expectations of a “puppy” after a bull mastiff patient. I expected a tiny bundle of fur…instead it was ten stone of muscle. Unfortunately, its owner left her purse in the car and ran out to get it. When she returned Caro was holding the lead and I standing on the desk as it tried to say hello. At least its owner said it was being friendly, I’m not sure that would stand up in a court of law.  

                     

Expectation                                                                                                 Reality 

Of course, the majority of our patients are of the two-legged variety. There are the occasional ones who can be difficult - someone was annoyed last week when I couldn’t get anyone out to fix their boiler, and whoever thinks its millennials who are bad on their phones has never had to ask a boomer to turn off youtube while the poor hypnotherapist despairs  – and just sometimes those who forget there is a person on the other end of the line who is doing everything they can to help.   "Yes, we do close on Christmas Day. Yes I know you normally come in on a Wednesday but you can't come in on the 25th Dec. Yes I know you be agnostic but we want a day off.'

We’re lucky though, that the majority are the exact opposite. Today parcels were being brought in for our Christmas collection for homeless people, hats and gloves and socks all wrapped up, and someone even watered the new plant on the desk.  

Then again, we have learned an awful lot about hiding bodies… 

ANON 13/12/19