Parliamo Glesgae?

                                        

 We are suffering from a thing called Black Friday over here. I do believe that this is the fault of Americans. Last year was the first time that anybody noticed Black Friday. This year many shops have publicly refused to participate and here in the West, we are having 'Spend Nothing Friday.'

Such is the mood of the moment.

And I am on stage tonight defending the magnificent west against the miserable east. And here is something I found on the internet,  I've redrafted it to be slightly less rude.  

We have a great word; Shite. Pronounced to rhyme with right and might. It does and does not mean the same as shit. 

Confused? So you should be. It's complicated.

Here goes....  

1               “It got a bit lively.” – The police were called.

“I might have overdone it a wee bit with the drink.” – I don’t remember anything after midnight.

 “The night got away from me.” – I don’t remember anything after 10pm.

 “I was drunk.” – I don’t remember the last three days.

"He's a right case." - He's been drunk since 1975.

 “He’s no the worst.” – The other guy was more drunk.

  “We used to pal about.” – We used to get drunk together.

 “He’s gone a wee bit Edinburgh.” – He’s convinced he’s the best thing since Jesus.

 “I’ve basically quit the fags.” – I’m down to a pack a day.

“I have the odd one when I’m drinking.” I'm a forty a day man.

“I’ve got an empty, fancy coming over?” – The wife is going out and I have a bottle of Bells.

 “He’s a good guy, he just has a wee problem handling his drink.” – He’s a bam who once tried to feed a Greggs sausage roll to a police horse.

                          

“She’s totally minted, no doubt about it.” –  She shops in Waitrose.

 “He’s a bit much.” – His voice goes through your head like a drill. 

 “It’s hard to say when it’s likely to finish up exactly.”  I'll probably end up in casualty. ( ER)

“Yes dear, I’ve only had a couple of pints.”  I’ve had eight pints, three shots, and two vodka Red Bulls.

 “What school do you do to?”  Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?

 “Who do you really support?”  Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?

 “What’s your favourite colour?”  Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?

"So, you see the game?” I nee to find out if  you are a  Catholic or a Protestant?

‘“I’ll come for one.”  You still haven't told me if you are a Catholic or a Protestant?

 “Fancy a couple after work?” – I’ll need to be dragged out the pub in ten hours.

‘It’s a bit wet out.” – Half of Glasgow is underwater.

"It's a bit nippy out there.'  Where are the huskies?

“It’s Baltic out there.” – Sauchiehall Street looks like a deleted scene from Frozen. The pigeons have solidified.

 “It’s some day!” – It’s above ten degrees.

“Old man pub.” – The clientele have one foot in the grave and smell like it, but it’s cheap.

 “What’s this place worth?” – I’m from London.

 “He’s a patter merchant.” – He talks an unbelievable amount of shite. Probably from Edinburgh

 “He’s a bottle merchant.” – He’d run away from his own reflection.

“He’s a wind up merchant.” – He’s addicted to taking the piss.

 “I’m no saying he’s clatty but…” – He’s got a massive and worrying personal hygiene problem.

                            

 “The brass neck on her.”– Last time I saw her she was dancing down Sauchiehall Street with her knickers round her head.

 “There was hunners of folk there. Hunners!” – There was twenty people there.

“You free for a quick swally?” – You’re my best friend and I urgently need to talk to you.

 

 “Aye, no bad looking.” – They are totally, utterly gorgeous.

“Jog on pal.” – I’m thirty seconds away from battering you.

"Fast forward" -  I'm twenty seconds away from battering you.

"Make yer point caller," Ten seconds away from battering you.

 “Aye right.” – You’re talking shite.

“He’s the numpties’ numpty.” – Even idiots think he’s an idiot.

 “I got dingied but I’m no fussed.” – I was stood up by my date and I’m
utterly devastated.

 “You’re the most beautiful lassie in this place.” – You’re the nearest
lassie in this place.

 “Aye, I’m nae bad.” – I’ve just won the lottery.

“Aye, I’m nae bad.” – I’ve just been told I have a week to live.

 “He’s doing my head in a bit.” – He is the most annoying arsehole in history.

                          

 “Thank you driver.” – Please stop the bus so I can get off.

“He couldnae batter a fish.” – He’s as weak as a kitten and as much use in a fight.

 “I’m getting right into the healthy eating.” – Sometimes I don’t have an extra portion of chips. 

 “She thinks she’s all that.” – She cuts about like she’s a mixture of Beyoncé and Nicola Sturgeon.

 “Did ye, aye?” No, you didn't. “Ah belong to Glasgow.” – I may be drunk, but I genuinely love it here.

So you will be ok now?  Caro Ramsay  27th November 2015