On hitting 40 (or tapping it gently on the back...)

I'm 40 today. Hurray. I think it's quite common in these landmark situations to try and note down all the things you've learned, to make you sound all sage and wise. The problem is I'm not sage and wise, and  don't think I've really learned anything in my 40 years on the planet, other than 'Never trust a man who doesn't a drink' (exceptions made for those who have given up for medical and addiction-related reasons.)

So, instead, here's a list of things I've failed to learn. 

1. Hangovers get worse as you get older. (I know this, but I still haven’t learned it.)

2. Money doesn’t burn a hole in your pocket. (People talk about hard-working families, but what about us lazy, hard-spending ones?)

3. Talk less and listen more. (Or something like that anyway. Can't remember who told me it.) 

4. At least a rough plan or outline for a book is a good idea before you sit down and write it. (The thing I miss most about not smoking anymore is the cigarette packet. Very useful for sketching out ideas on.)

5. People are more interesting than smart phones. (When people can give you instant sport scores then we can talk about this...which leads me on to...)

6. Sport is essentially trivial and a bad result shouldn’t affect a grown man’s mood for the rest of the weekend. (I've gone through enough of life's trials to be able to put things in perspective, but it still hurts when my team lose.)

7. Children see through ludicrous threats from parents. (Telling them you will wipe all their toys from the face of the earth with a laser gun has a limited effect beyond the age of three.)

9. That biscuit is a bad idea. (Ditto that glass of wine, piece of cake etc. Also add in here 'You don't have to eat all the food on your plate.')

10. Just because someone disagrees with you politically doesn’t make them a bad person. (Even conservatives. Apparently.) 

11. Don't laugh at your own jokes. (But if I don't laugh, who will?)

12. Patience is a virtue. (Who wants to be virtuous?)

13. Never ask your wife what things she thinks you haven't learned in your life. (Unless you like the sound of sarcastic laughter and have at least three hours to spare.)

cheers

Dan - Friday