Friday, May 20, 2011

It's the end of the world as we know it...

This will probably be my last blog on this site. Probably my last blog on any site. In fact it might be the last thing I ever write. At least if Harold Camping turns out to be true. Mr Camping - I love the idea of a fire and brimstone fundamentalist preacher named after a British term for acting in an effeminate and stereotypically homosexual manner - has predicted that tomorrow, May 21st, will be Judgement Day (better file your post at midnight, Jeff) and that a gargantuan earthquake will kill us all, and only those who know the Lord - not personally, but in a weekly church-visiting, nightly-praying sense - will be saved. It's fire and damnation for those of us who thought Rapture was a Blondie song with a rap in it.

Not everyone is taken Mr Camping's prophecy seriously. Heathens. I admit, I haven't gone through the mathematical formula by which he's reached his conclusion - but then I struggle to follow the mathematical formula my 8-year-old son uses to solve his long division homework - but I think we are foolish to dismiss it out of hand. Look around us. Can you not see evidence piling up that we are approaching the End Times? I can think of ten, cast-iron pieces of evidence that our days on this rock are numbered.

1. Ebooks. Belched forth from the very pits of hell to dumb down the masses, reduce the publishing industry to rubble,closing bookshops, and give decadent, booze-swilling degenerate authors more power. Hell, they even came with their own evangelist, The One They Call Konrath.

2. Charlie Sheen has almost four million followers on Twitter. The Dalai Lama has less than two million (Though the Dalai Lama doesn't follow anyone, which is taking the mickey a bit. Nor does he share his views on Ashton Kutcher. It's give and take, your holiness. Not just take.)

3. Radiohead. Inexplicably popular, dreary, jazz-tinged choogling to numb bedwetting atheists before the shock and awe of the end claims their hollow souls.

4. Superinjunctions. These are court-issued gagging orders in the UK taken out by figures in the public eye at great expense to prevent any reporting of scandals in which they've become embroiled. As if the world cares whether a politician likes to have sadomasochistic sex with a prostitute. These days, the weird ones are the ones who don't have sadomasochistic etc....

5. Dog nappies.I don't think anything else quite spells The End like the sight of a dog in a diaper.

6. Snooki. See blogs passim.

7. Manchester United win the Premier League. Again. Thus becoming the most successful club in England and proving there ain't no justice and all good has been bled from the land.

8. Donald Trump's 'hair'. Never mind the candidacy, what the f*** is that on his head. Does it get a vote?

9. Glee. Have you seen that crap?

10. Rapacious capitalism. Not the sort of greedy gambling that destroyed the earth's economy recently, though that might have have prophecied something other than craven obeisance of our rulers in the face of big business. I'm talking about the sort peddled  by Bart Centre (he's from the US - shouldn't that be Center?). Bart, an atheist from New Hampshire, started Eternal Earth-bound Pets in 2009. He offers Rapture believers an insurance plan for those pets that won't join them in heaven: 10-year pet care contracts, with Centre and his network of fellow non-believers taking responsibility for the animals after the Rapture.The fee - payable in advance, of course - was originally $110, but has gone to $135 since Camping's prediction. Mr Centre has 258 clients.

Actually, scratch that, I think Bart might just have proved there may be some hope.

I'm off to stockpile some tins of beans.


Dan - Friday


  1. Dan, do you think Donald Trump will be saved? If so, I want to go to other place. It's been bad enough having had to live in the same city with him on this planet. See you on the other side. Hasta la vista, baby. Thanks for giving me the last laugh.

  2. Likewise, Dan! I have my own list of Signs but it's too parochial to go through here.
    By the way, I see Jeff's post is already scheduled. I'm not going to say at what time...

  3. Why am I going for my blood test? Hey, Doc, you won't have the results back before the earthquakes start! Does my overnight fast count as an act of penitence or is that double non dipping? And that Tuesday noon deadline, boss, you sure you need those stats? I was going to walk to the doctor, but I have all those streetcar tokens. Might as well use 'em up....

  4. I am a firm believer in the phrase uttered by someone who really does know when the end of the world will occur that we "will know not the day nor the hour." My grandfather's view was every day is the end of the world for someone.

    Is it not Stan who is the math professor? According to Yahoo, which knows everything, the calculations are so intricate, bizarre, and devoid of realistic methods allowing anyone but Mr. Camping to get the same result that it looks like the kind of thing I did on my college physics tests.

    Mr. Camping's explanation of why he cannot explain his method of calculating the day the world will end is because only the saved can grasp it. I wonder how he explained away the previous end of the world date in 1994?

    Dan, since this is going to happen according to time zones, you will be raptured before the fortunate people in the US achieve that status. Have you paid someone to take care of your pets?


  5. Annamaria, I think Trump will be got to heaven. Even there, they need someone to laugh at.

    Michael - Jeff may know something we don't, or seen some real proof. A swarm of locusts in Mykonos. Or a swarm of tourists..

    Lucile - I like it. While you're at it, max out all your credit cards before the end of tonight!

    Beth - Our dog is 17. She's had her time. This might even save us a nasty trip the vets in the near future...for free! win/win.

  6. Good post. We all wait with bated breath for tonight's coming of the end (I almost spelled it "baited" but then I decided I wasn't a fish).

  7. I THOUGHT THE END ALREADY CAME AND I'D MISSED IT! Ten minutes ago I tried logging on to Dan's post and got the dreaded "OOPS cannot connect."

    Thank God for reboots (and dog nappies, too, I guess). After reading your piece, Dan (and thank you, Michael, for your concern), I must admit that I toyed for an instant with moving up my Saturday piece by a few minutes, just to be on the safe side. But then I thought, "The 'safe side' of what?"

    The true teaching of Revelation is that no one knows when the "time will come" so one should always be ready for that moment.

    I feel confident that no matter what happens at midnight (hopefully NY time which gives me seven more hours here on Mykonos, though I'll take the London two if that's all I can get) I'm better off spending my remaining hours seeking out every sinner on Mykonos. I consider it a moral obligation to personally inform each one that the end is near.

    It should be one hell of a a manner of speaking.

  8. I don't believe a word of it, but I postponed two dental appointments. Why bother? If I'm left here, a cavity will be the least of my problems, and if I'm yanked skyward, I somehow doubt my teeth will follow. And if, by some astronomical improbability, Mr. Camping is wrong, well, my dentist will still be here, too.

    Great piece, Dan. By the way, in Paradise I think we'll all have hair like Donald Trump's.

  9. Having hair like Donald Trump's is as good a reason as any for not going.

  10. Tim, a friend of mine had root canal work today. He thinks maybe he should've waited til Monday.

    Give my regards to the sinners of Mykonos Jeff. I get the impression there may be a few, God bless 'em, as it were.

    Marilynn, I think Tim was referring to a nightclub called Paradise, where elderly men try to cling on to their youth by wearing dead racoons on their head.

  11. The best thing about all of this Doomsday predicting is the humor that's abounded.

    And, frankly, putting off the dental work would work for me. That would convince me, but, heck, the time came and went. So I guess the dental work can't be postponed.