A Small Investment for a Big Result (for adult eyes only)

It has always interested me why people in the northern hemisphere regard themselves as better than those in the southern.  For centuries they have travelled to the south and told the natives that they are uncivilized, ungodly, unworthy, and unacceptable.  They have even had the gall to create globes for tabletops that have the northern hemisphere on the top, when that is such a blatant disregard of the laws of physics.  Anyone with sense can see that the northern hemisphere has much more landmass than the south.  Since dirt is much heavier than water, the northern hemisphere is obviously heavier and should therefore be at the bottom.

I could carry on ad nauseam (for northerners) about how this attitude of superiority has pervaded history and been the cause for many of the world’s problems.  But I won’t.  Rather I want to focus on medicine.
The civilized, godly, worthy, and acceptable people of the northern hemisphere took on the responsibility of saving southern Africa from itself by “discovering” it and taking it over for themselves.  A natural outcome of this was that they replaced (or displaced) almost everything pertinent to everyday living with their northern ways.  I remember vividly as a child eagerly spraying Christmas trees with fake snow so we could enjoy a northern-like celebration, notwithstanding that we ended the feasting lying next to a swimming pool in the hot summer sun sucking chilled watermelons (surreptitiously injected with vodka when we grew older).

The field of medicine was one area where the newcomers viewed the natives with horror.  Despite the fact that when southern Africa was grabbed northern medicine was largely based on prayers, the newcomers looked at the local doctors with superiority and disdain.  Which doctors? you may ask.  Precisely, I would answer.

Medicine in the north over the years has become more and more specialized to the extent that we all know that your general practitioner (if you can find one) will send you to an array of specialists to determine what is wrong with you (and to mitigate future litigation).

In southern Africa, the locals are beginning to fight back, partly through tradition and partly because most people are poor.  Leighton, in an earlier blog, talked about the trabalho, an everyday Brazilian ritual imported from Africa by slaves.  This is the equivalent to rituals performed by witchdoctors in southern Africa.  This blog is not about witchdoctors, whose influence is deep and widespread, but about a new type of doctor recently on the southern African scene – true general practitioners who, for their success, draw on local traditions, northern medicine, fear, and hope.

Enter Prof. Asman Ali and his Associates, whose rooms are located above Adult World in my hometown of Knysna.  He advertizes his offerings through local publications and flyers handed out on the street.

Given that unemployment in South Africa is over 25%, his US$4 consultation fee is very appealing, and I wonder why he needs to advertize at all.  For $4 he can improve a man’s love life by bringing back a lost lover, by permanently enlarging and strengthening his penis, by learning to control premature ejaculation, and by enabling him to have more rounds (multiple orgasms).  For the same price, he is also able to improve a person’s chances of winning the lottery, of getting a promotion, or winning a court case.  And, most importantly, rid one of curses.  It is also reassuring that he can put a spell on your car and home to protect them from theft.

Also for $4, Dr Ali can help women to deal with husbands who are having an affair, who can’t perform in bed, or who are stingy with money.  And for unmarried women who are going out with men who won’t make the commitment, Dr. Ali will make them fall to their knees and propose.

Lest you think Dr. Ali deals only with normal cures, as described above, he also keeps abreast of modern techniques.  For the small investment of $7, men can try his new steam method of penis enlargement – using the latest biocell herbal method.  For this modest price, a man can take his penis to the doctor, who will work on it to produce a big result.  And when the man leaves the consulting rooms, he will have a surprise!  It is almost tempting to spend the money to see what the surprise is.

What I like about modern practitioners like Dr. Ali, is that they guarantee their work.  Show me a northern doctor who will do that! 

I am delighted that some of Africa’s doctors remain generalists, dispensing medical advice, marital counseling, and psychological support.  At an affordable price.  Guaranteed.


Stan - Thursday