Friday, November 27, 2015

Parliamo Glesgae?


 We are suffering from a thing called Black Friday over here. I do believe that this is the fault of Americans. Last year was the first time that anybody noticed Black Friday. This year many shops have publicly refused to participate and here in the West, we are having 'Spend Nothing Friday.'

Such is the mood of the moment.

And I am on stage tonight defending the magnificent west against the miserable east. And here is something I found on the internet,  I've redrafted it to be slightly less rude.  

We have a great word; Shite. Pronounced to rhyme with right and might. It does and does not mean the same as shit. 

Confused? So you should be. It's complicated.

Here goes....  

1               “It got a bit lively.” – The police were called.

“I might have overdone it a wee bit with the drink.” – I don’t remember anything after midnight.

 “The night got away from me.” – I don’t remember anything after 10pm.

 “I was drunk.” – I don’t remember the last three days.

"He's a right case." - He's been drunk since 1975.

 “He’s no the worst.” – The other guy was more drunk.

 “We used to pal about.” – We used to get drunk together.

 “He’s gone a wee bit Edinburgh.” – He’s convinced he’s the best thing since Jesus.

 “I’ve basically quit the fags.” – I’m down to a pack a day.

“I have the odd one when I’m drinking.” I'm a forty a day man.

“I’ve got an empty, fancy coming over?” – The wife is going out and I have a bottle of Bells.

 “He’s a good guy, he just has a wee problem handling his drink.” – He’s a bam who once tried to feed a Greggs sausage roll to a police horse.


“She’s totally minted, no doubt about it.” –  She shops in Waitrose.

 “He’s a bit much.” – His voice goes through your head like a drill. 

 “It’s hard to say when it’s likely to finish up exactly.”  I'll probably end up in casualty. ( ER)

“Yes dear, I’ve only had a couple of pints.”  I’ve had eight pints, three shots, and two vodka Red Bulls.

 “What school do you do to?”  Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?

 “Who do you really support?”
 Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?

 “What’s your favourite colour?”
 Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?

"So, you see the game?” I nee to find out if 
 you are a  Catholic or a Protestant?

‘“I’ll come for one.”  You still haven't told me if you are
a Catholic or a Protestant?

 “Fancy a couple after work?” – I’ll need to be dragged out the pub in ten hours.

‘It’s a bit wet out.” – Half of Glasgow is underwater.

"It's a bit nippy out there.'  Where are the huskies?

“It’s Baltic out there.” – Sauchiehall Street looks like a deleted scene from Frozen. The pigeons have solidified.

 “It’s some day!” – It’s above ten degrees.

“Old man pub.” – The clientele have one foot in the grave and smell like it, but it’s cheap.

 “What’s this place worth?” – I’m from London.

 “He’s a patter merchant.” – He talks an unbelievable amount of shite. Probably from Edinburgh

 “He’s a bottle merchant.” – He’d run away from his own reflection.

“He’s a wind up merchant.” – He’s addicted to taking the piss.

 “I’m no saying he’s clatty but…” – He’s got a massive and worrying personal hygiene problem.

 “The brass neck on her.”– Last time I saw her she was dancing down Sauchiehall Street with her knickers round her head.

 “There was hunners of folk there. Hunners!” – There was twenty people there.

“You free for a quick swally?” – You’re my best friend and I urgently need to talk to you.
 “Aye, no bad looking.” – They are totally, utterly gorgeous.

“Jog on pal.” – I’m thirty seconds away from battering you.

"Fast forward" -  I'm twenty seconds away from battering you.

"Make yer point caller," Ten seconds away from battering you.

 “Aye right.” – You’re talking shite.

“He’s the numpties’ numpty.” – Even idiots think he’s an idiot.

 “I got dingied but I’m no fussed.” – I was stood up by my date and I’m
utterly devastated.

 “You’re the most beautiful lassie in this place.” – You’re the nearest
lassie in this place.

 “Aye, I’m nae bad.” – I’ve just won the lottery.

“Aye, I’m nae bad.” – I’ve just been told I have a week to live.

 “He’s doing my head in a bit.” – He is the most annoying arsehole in history.


 “Thank you driver.” – Please stop the bus so I can get off.

“He couldnae batter a fish.” – He’s as weak as a kitten and as much use in a fight.

 “I’m getting right into the healthy eating.” – Sometimes I don’t have an extra portion of chips. 

 “She thinks she’s all that.” – She cuts about like she’s a mixture of Beyoncé and Nicola Sturgeon.

 “Did ye, aye?” No, you didn't. “Ah belong to Glasgow.” – I may be drunk, but I genuinely love it here.

So you will be ok now?  Caro Ramsay  27th November 2015


  1. Thanks, Caro! I think "I'm starting to get the hang of this." I haven't the faintest idea.

  2. Thanks, Caro! I think "I'm starting to get the hang of this." I haven't the faintest idea.

  3. Wonderful. Love it and laughed through it.

    Is it a wonder that sometimes we readers of books penned in Scotland (as well as other English-speaking countries) need a glossary in the back?

  4. How does one (safely) say, "Do you have non-alcoholic beer?"

    And good luck on defending the West against the East in these days of all this Shite talk.

    1. No, Jeff, but the usual response is, "Stitch that, pal." followed by a swift Glasgow kiss (head butt)

    2. Non what? You don't ask for that abomination. Ever.

    3. Non what? You don't ask for that abomination. Ever.

  5. Great post, Caro. Bit of trivia connected to the "He's a bottle merchant" one. Comes from boxing matches where a fighter was not allowed to continue if he didn't have a man with a bottle in his corner to wipe him down and give him a drink between rounds. Sometimes fighters would get their bottle men to walk away if they were taking a pasting, thus stopping the fight. Hence, "He's lost his bottle."

    Don't tell me: "She's a patter merchant ..."

  6. Wonderful, Caro. Now I understand. On my one and only trip to Glasgow, I found the local population a wee bit difficult to understand, but otherwise charming. Now I know that those kindly smiles meant:
    1. They were seeing me through an alcohol haze and had no idea what I was saying.
    2. The kind-sounding words they had just uttered were a veiled insult.
    OR BOTH!
    Thanks to your forewarning I will come forearmed on my next visit. I hope it's soon.

  7. That's great! Could we have an audio file please? I need to get hold of the accent if I'm going to pass as a Glaswegian...

  8. "I'm sittin strite." I can no type cause the keyboard is out a reach when um rollin round on the floor huggin me sides.

  9. Always an education from you Caro. If I said these things to locals they would think I was a little off (out of my freakin' mind). I am terribly sorry we have inflicted Black Friday upon your wee country and I hope you don't take it too badly (develop nuclear weapons to drop freely upon us).

  10. Hi, thank you for all your comments. The West won last night 14 - 3. The script went I was born in Govan so I believe folk from Edinburgh can walk round Waitrose and not laugh at the prices. Doug is from Spingburn- he still thinks socks are a pretty sophisticated idea. And it went downhill from there.....

    1. Caro, I am careful with words. DELIGHTFUL is how I describe you!!!

  11. “Jog on pal.” – I’m thirty seconds away from battering you.
    love it - so appropriate for Black Friday.