We are suffering from a thing called Black Friday over here. I do believe that this is the fault of Americans. Last year was the first time that anybody noticed Black Friday. This year many shops have publicly refused to participate and here in the West, we are having 'Spend Nothing Friday.'
“I was drunk.” – I don’t remember the last three days.
“He’s no the worst.” – The other guy was more drunk.
“We used to pal about.” – We used to get drunk together.
“He’s gone a wee bit Edinburgh.” – He’s convinced he’s the best thing since Jesus.
“I’ve basically quit the fags.” – I’m down to a pack a day.
“I have the odd one when I’m drinking.” I'm a forty a day man.
“I’ve got an empty, fancy coming over?” – The wife is going out and I have a bottle of Bells.
“She’s totally minted, no doubt about it.” – She shops in Waitrose.
“He’s a bit much.” – His voice goes through your head like a drill.
“It’s hard to say when it’s likely to finish up exactly.” I'll probably end up in casualty. ( ER)
“Yes dear, I’ve only had a couple of pints.” I’ve had eight pints, three shots, and two vodka Red Bulls.
“What school do you do to?” Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?
“Who do you really support?” Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?
“What’s your favourite colour?” Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?
"So, you see the game?” I nee to find out if you are a Catholic or a Protestant?
‘“I’ll come for one.” You still haven't told me if you are a Catholic or a Protestant?
“Fancy a couple after work?” – I’ll need to be dragged out the pub in ten hours.
‘It’s a bit wet out.” – Half of Glasgow is underwater.
“It’s Baltic out there.” – Sauchiehall Street looks like a deleted scene from Frozen. The pigeons have solidified.
“Old man pub.” – The clientele have one foot in the grave and smell like it, but it’s cheap.
“What’s this place worth?” – I’m from London.
“He’s a patter merchant.” – He talks an unbelievable amount of shite. Probably from Edinburgh
“He’s a bottle merchant.” – He’d run away from his own reflection.
“He’s a wind up merchant.” – He’s addicted to taking the piss.
“There was hunners of folk there. Hunners!” – There was twenty people there.
“You free for a quick swally?” – You’re my best friend and I urgently need to talk to you.
“Jog on pal.” – I’m thirty seconds away from battering you.
“He’s the numpties’ numpty.” – Even idiots think he’s an idiot.
“I got dingied but I’m no fussed.” – I was stood up by my date and I’m
“You’re the most beautiful lassie in this place.” – You’re the nearest
lassie in this place.
“Aye, I’m nae bad.” – I’ve just won the lottery.
“Aye, I’m nae bad.” – I’ve just been told I have a week to live.
“He’s doing my head in a bit.” – He is the most annoying arsehole in history.
“He couldnae batter a fish.” – He’s as weak as a kitten and as much use in a fight.
“I’m getting right into the healthy eating.” – Sometimes I don’t have an extra portion of chips.
“She thinks she’s all that.” – She cuts about like she’s a mixture of Beyoncé and Nicola Sturgeon.