This will probably be my last blog on this site. Probably my last blog on any site. In fact it might be the last thing I ever write. At least if Harold Camping turns out to be true. Mr Camping - I love the idea of a fire and brimstone fundamentalist preacher named after a British term for acting in an effeminate and stereotypically homosexual manner - has predicted that tomorrow, May 21st, will be Judgement Day (better file your post at midnight, Jeff) and that a gargantuan earthquake will kill us all, and only those who know the Lord - not personally, but in a weekly church-visiting, nightly-praying sense - will be saved. It's fire and damnation for those of us who thought Rapture was a Blondie song with a rap in it.
Not everyone is taken Mr Camping's prophecy seriously. Heathens. I admit, I haven't gone through the mathematical formula by which he's reached his conclusion - but then I struggle to follow the mathematical formula my 8-year-old son uses to solve his long division homework - but I think we are foolish to dismiss it out of hand. Look around us. Can you not see evidence piling up that we are approaching the End Times? I can think of ten, cast-iron pieces of evidence that our days on this rock are numbered.
1. Ebooks. Belched forth from the very pits of hell to dumb down the masses, reduce the publishing industry to rubble,closing bookshops, and give decadent, booze-swilling degenerate authors more power. Hell, they even came with their own evangelist, The One They Call Konrath.
2. Charlie Sheen has almost four million followers on Twitter. The Dalai Lama has less than two million (Though the Dalai Lama doesn't follow anyone, which is taking the mickey a bit. Nor does he share his views on Ashton Kutcher. It's give and take, your holiness. Not just take.)
3. Radiohead. Inexplicably popular, dreary, jazz-tinged choogling to numb bedwetting atheists before the shock and awe of the end claims their hollow souls.
4. Superinjunctions. These are court-issued gagging orders in the UK taken out by figures in the public eye at great expense to prevent any reporting of scandals in which they've become embroiled. As if the world cares whether a politician likes to have sadomasochistic sex with a prostitute. These days, the weird ones are the ones who don't have sadomasochistic etc....
5. Dog nappies.I don't think anything else quite spells The End like the sight of a dog in a diaper.
6. Snooki. See blogs passim.
7. Manchester United win the Premier League. Again. Thus becoming the most successful club in England and proving there ain't no justice and all good has been bled from the land.
8. Donald Trump's 'hair'. Never mind the candidacy, what the f*** is that on his head. Does it get a vote?
9. Glee. Have you seen that crap?
10. Rapacious capitalism. Not the sort of greedy gambling that destroyed the earth's economy recently, though that might have have prophecied something other than craven obeisance of our rulers in the face of big business. I'm talking about the sort peddled by Bart Centre (he's from the US - shouldn't that be Center?). Bart, an atheist from New Hampshire, started Eternal Earth-bound Pets in 2009. He offers Rapture believers an insurance plan for those pets that won't join them in heaven: 10-year pet care contracts, with Centre and his network of fellow non-believers taking responsibility for the animals after the Rapture.The fee - payable in advance, of course - was originally $110, but has gone to $135 since Camping's prediction. Mr Centre has 258 clients.
Actually, scratch that, I think Bart might just have proved there may be some hope.
I'm off to stockpile some tins of beans.
Dan - Friday