Occupational Hazard: Author's Elbow

Zoë Sharp

Over the years, I have put my series main character, Charlie Fox, through the mill. She has been shot (more than once), stabbed (also more than once), pushed off her motorcycle and then shot (OK, that was just the once), shot down in a helicopter, mildly tortured, Tasered, experienced various broken bones, been punched more times than either of us can count, and buried by an earthquake.

So, I suppose it’s only fair that for the past month or so I’ve been suffering from the process of actually writing about all this stuff. Despite not attempting to play tennis since I was about twelve, I am now the proud owner of tennis elbow, or lateral epicondylitis, if you want to be proper about it.

Charlie Fox would, no doubt, be greatly amused at my expense.

The problem is usually caused by ‘strenuous overuse of the muscles and tendons of the forearm, near the elbow joint’. In other words, too much chipping away at the word-face and using a computer mouse.

I began to realise I’d got a problem on the run-up to Christmas. Pain in the outside of my forearm up near the outer knobble of my elbow, problems picking anything up that also entailed gripping with my hand, and discomfort regardless of my arm being bent or straight. Gripping and twisting motions, such as opening a jar, turning on a tap, or using a screwdriver produced the worst effect.

If the muscles and tendons in the forearm are over-strained, tears and inflammation occurs near the bony lump (the lateral epicondyle) on the outside of the elbow. I’ve previously had similar problems with my left elbow, although on the inner side, which is golfer’s elbow.

And no, I don’t play golf, either.

I confess that, since the beginning of November, I’ve been working pretty much continuously on the sequel to DANCING ON THE GRAVE. (And yes, I know I originally said that was a standalone but events have somewhat overtaken me.) And now, as the end of January approaches, I’m almost done. In fact, I’ve just extended my self-imposed deadline by a week into February, just to give my elbow half a chance to recover.

My problem was not just caused by too much keyboard time. I think I can also put it down to poor ergonomics. I was using an old table in lieu of a desk, so the height of seat-to-desktop was never quite right because of the frame. It was also not quite deep enough for me to get the keyboard far enough onto the surface, and the top was slightly warped, leading to a raised ridge under my forearms.

So, for Christmas, my pressie to myself was a custom desktop, made from 15mm plywood on an Ikea height-adjustable frame. I’ve even covered the surface in dark green pleather, like a proper olde-fashioned desk. I also got a new upright mouse when my old one gave up the ghost, and a padded wrist rest. I have been using a curved ergonomic keyboard for years, plugged into a separate monitor.

But, nevertheless, this is a case of fitting new padlocks to the stable door, long after the horse has naffed off into the distance.

In lieu of being able to get a doctor’s appointment, I’ve been treating this in a number of ways. (As many as I can think of!)

I’ve looked up the appropriate exercises, and while doing any kind of strenuous work I’ve been using an elbow brace that consists of a Velcro strap with a padded lump that goes on top of your forearm. In theory this takes some of the strain off the inflamed area.

I’ve also been using an ice pack at regular intervals. I have one that contains gel and never freezes solid, so I’m not in danger of frostbite when I forget and leave it on for far too long. It’s in a cover that Velcros around my arm, which means it stays in place nicely.

I borrowed a TENS machine to zap myself with. TENS stands for transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation, which uses low-voltage (or should that be low-amperage?) current through two or four pads placed strategically around the elbow. It’s like being constantly prickled but better than the alternative.

The scientific jury is still out, apparently, on the effectiveness of a TENS machine but I used one when I damaged my back a few years ago and it was about the only thing that allowed me to function. It’s having much the same effect this time.

Just as long as I don’t shuffle my feet across a synthetic carpet and then grab a metal door handle, I should be fine.

Apart from that, I’ve just been on occasional doses of painkillers and anti-inflammatories. If anyone has any other suggestions, I’m all ears!

Like I said, Charlie Fox would be laughing her arse off…

This week’s Word of the Week is selenology, meaning the study of the moon. Also, selenography, the study of the features of the surface of the moon. From the Greek name for the moon, Selene.

Upcoming Events:

Newcastle Noir

May 1-3, Newcastle City Library, Newcastle upon Tyne.

CrimeFest

June 4-7, Mercure Bristol Grand Hotel, Bristol.

Hamlet had tennis elbow

Shakespeare at Elsinore

I have always been puzzled by Shakespeare’s Hamlet.  If you remember, Claudius was Hamlet’s uncle.  Claudius killed his own brother, Hamlet’s father, and then married Hamlet's mother, Gertrude.  Obviously he did this so he could succeed to the throne, which he did. 

Needless to say, Hamlet was upset.

But what did he do about it? 

Nothing!  He wandered around muttering to himself, even though the ghost of his father told him what had happened.  Any self-respecting prince would have run Claudius through.  But no, Hamlet did nothing.

Why?  That’s the puzzle.

Of course, if Hamlet had just reacted like any hot blooded young man would, the play would have been over before the end of Act 1, which would have ruined Shakespeare’s reputation.  So academics have spent hundreds of years trying to explain Hamlet’s weird behaviour.

Several theories have been advanced over the years trying to explain Hamlet’s reluctance to do Claudius in.  Freud, in his The Interpretation of Dreams, concludes that Hamlet had an Oedipal Complex, and had an Oedipal desire for his mother.  If he killed Claudius, he would then be hurting his mother.  So he held off – and in doing so drove himself mad.

Other interpretations of Hamlet’s behaviour have suggested that he was sexually attracted to his mother.  In the closet scene, where he confronts Gertrude in her private quarters, he is disgusted by her incestuous relationship with Claudius, but is concerned that if he kills Claudius, he would be tempted to sleep with her himself.    

A different type of explanation for Hamlet’s reluctance to kill Claudius suggests that Hamlet is just an ineffectual intellectual.  There is much to support this notion:

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” (Act 2, scene ii)

“To be or not to be: that is the question.” (Act 3, scene i)

Freud also hints that Hamlet couldn’t make a strong decision because Hamlet thinks “he himself is literally no better than the sinner whom he is to punish.”

And Hamlet himself, when he has the opportunity to kill Claudius when he is praying, hesitates because he thinks that someone killed while praying will go to heaven. 

“A villain kills my father; and for that,

I, his sole son, do this same villain send

To heaven.” (Act 3, scene iii)

Of course he still does nothing.

As a recovering academic, I see that all these explanations are meant to dazzle fellow academics, thus hopefully leading to tenure.  But none of them is correct.

I discovered the real truth yesterday when I visited Kronborg Castle in Helsingør (Elsinore) - where all of the action of Hamlet takes place - to commune with the plethora of ghosts who still hang out there.  

Kronborg Castle (Elsinore)

Kronborg Castle (Elsinore) - Sweden in background

Self-portrait at the top of the castle

“Why didn’t Hamlet kill Claudius right away?” I asked the wispy group.  

It was poor Ophelia (in love with Hamlet, but told to reject him by her father Polonius and brother, Laertes) who gave me the reason.

“Don’t believe any of the academic claptrap,” she said.  “It’s simple.  He had tennis elbow and couldn’t use his sword!”

I gasped at this academic sacrilege.

“We used to play a lot of royal tennis in our outdoor court between the moats,” she continued.  “Hamlet was a fiend and liked to win.  Eventually he had to stop because he got a mild case of sunstroke (“I am too much I’ the sun.” Act 1, scene ii), as well as a painful case of tennis elbow.”

Outdoor real (royal) tennis court building

The real (royal) tennis court itself

What caused Hamlet's pain!

“That’s really painful,” I said.  “I had it once, and it lasted for months.”

“Yes.  He became very impatient with the usual heat treatment because the pain didn’t go away.  He would curse and swear at his arm (“O, that this too too solid flesh would melt, Thaw and resolve itself into a dew.” Act 1, scene ii), but his mother kept telling him to be patient (“Upon the heat and flame of thy distemper Sprinkle cool patience.” Act 3, scene iv).

“He kept testing to see if the arm had healed.  He used to take hold of me and tried to straighten his arm (“”He took me by the wrist and held me hard; Then he goes to the length of all his arm.” Act 2, scene i).  It was pitiful (“And, with his other hand thus o’er his brow, .. . . He raised a sigh so piteous and profound As it did seem to shatter all his bulk.” Act 2, scene i).

“In the end, his mother decided to send him south to the warmer climate of England, where he could convalesce.”

“Then what happened?” I asked.

“It must have worked, because he came back – I wasn’t around then because I'd drowned – and had a fencing match with my brother Laertes.  Poor Gertrude toasted the two of them, but didn’t realize the chalice of wine had been poisoned by Claudius.  So she died.  Laertes didn’t play fair, and tipped his sword with poison.  He scratched Hamlet, who realized what was going on.  He managed to grab Laertes sword and scratch him back.  Then he realized that Claudius was still alive, so he stabbed him and made him drink the poisoned wine just to make sure he died.

"What a mess.  Bodies all over the place!  It would have been much better had Hamlet killed Claudius right away.  Then we would have got married and had kids and lived happily ever after.”

So there you have it – from someone who should know.

Hamlet delayed in killing Claudius, not because of those airy-fairy academic reasons we read about, but because he had tennis elbow.

Stan - Thursday