Setting the Record Straight

Annamaria on Monday

Last weekend, I spend a post Thanksgiving weekend in Philadelphia, a city I always enjoy.  I have dear friends there.  Besides which, it has world class just about everything: Sports teams, museums, and especially music!  I thought, while I was there, about the apocryphal epitaph said to be on the gravestone of one of its famous sons: W.C. Fields.   A rumor has been circulating for decades that said monument is inscribed, "All things being equal, I'd rather be here than in Philadelphia. "

False!   Here is the evidence:

W.C. grew up very poor and unhappy Philly.  When he started to earn money as an entertainer in New York, he went back to Philly, took his mother by the hand, left everything behind, and led her to an entirely new life.  He didn't put that wisecrack on his grave, but he did say a whole lot of  funny and sarcastic things:

Here are some of his true wise cracks for your amusement, if not edification:

On Booze

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times..

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

Water? Never drink it.  Fish f*ck in it.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.

More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.

Nothing stronger than gin before breakfast.

True Wisdom

[Charles Dickens was] the bravest man who ever lived. He fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

It's headed for the brambles and we are all in our bare feet.

On Human Behavior

The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

What a lovely day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax.

Thou shalt not steal--only from other comedians.

My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

Anything worth having is worth cheating for.

On Show Biz

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies. 

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

No Matter What Happens, I Tried

Sujata Massey



As I work on this post, election returns are coming in from all over the United States. It might not surprise readers of this blog that I'm a supporter of Hillary Clinton. My home state, Maryland, has voted Democratic for many years, so I traveled to a state which is less secure (Pennsylvania) to see how I could help.

On Monday evening this past week I drove 3 hours from Maryland to Pennsylvania, a state where rural areas are bullish on Trump. However, the city of Philadelphia and its suburbs tend to support Democratic voters, and also has a racially diverse population. I intended to do all I could to encourage Philadelphia's voters to get to the polls.

It was a morning rush hour when I drove into North Philadelphia. A big transportation strike that mercifully ended, but its occurrence made a lot of people fearful voters couldn't get to polls. Lyft and Uber and the popular band Roots built networks of drivers who'd take people needing rides to polling stations. However, most polling stations are located every five blocks. This very old city has a great infrastructure of schools, the primary polling places.

Philadelphia schools and community centers are called into service on election day, and Spanish is widely used.

There weren't enough volunteers who could speak Spanish, but we had to connect with these voters if Hillary would carry Philadelphia. I was sent out not speaking a word of Spanish along with my partner, Barbara, who was fortunately studying the language. But we were certainly anxious about how communication would, or wouldn't, work.

The Democrats set up volunteer stations all over Pennsylvania. I worked out of one on W. Girard Ave. in North Philadelphia. Volunteers got assignments to canvass several blocks, house by house, at a time, to make sure people remembered to vote. Other people stayed back and made texts and phone calls to people who planned to vote Democratic.

We canvassed streets in Fairhall, a neighborhood with a high Latino voter base. The houses were old, but the people living within were full of energy and enthusiasm. People who'd voted told us the polls were busier than they'd ever seen. We began to feel optimistic.

Barbara was such a great person to volunteer with. She was friendly to everyone but really hammered in the importance of having a plan to get to the polling station.

We met this pair, who work for a PAC, on the streets doing similar work to ours.

People living in these narrow streets found ways to bring beauty and pride of place to share with others. Residents built in a delightful fishpond right in front of an ordinary row house. We saw flower-filled gardens behind chain-link fences, and cute Halloween decorations on doors.

We also were delighted by some of the him owners who sold foods from their windows. A coconut water ice was the best thing I ate (drank?) all day.

I'd never believed I could successfully canvass in a neighborhood where I didn't share the language with the people I met. However, my nerves were eased by my confident partner and all the Philadelphians were so gracious toward us. I appreciated the way they cared for their homes and kids, and how many socialized with each other on the streets. It made me feel more certain than ever that this country benefits from immigration.


This is a very tough election. At this point in the night, things don't look good for my candidate. However I feel optimistic about the situation in Philadelphia. No matter what happens, we tried.