“You’re just saying that because you are kind.”
This blog post was inspired by hearing these words from a friend. We were discussing his work in progress, which I had read and was ready to comment upon. The book needs polishing, but it is quite wonderful. I was telling him what I most admired about it.
Some people object to praise. They imagine that it is unhelpful. I vividly remember, when I praised my young daughter, her saying, “You just say that because you’re my mother.”
I loudly plead NOT GUILTY to all such charges.
As a matter of fact, I make it a point never to dole out false praise. I consider such lies grossly immoral. They can inflict terrible pain. Falsely telling a person he has a talent for something he isn’t really good at would give him unrealistic expectations and vain hopes. It would set him up to speed ahead toward an emotional cliff. What sort of friend would do such a thing? To my way of thinking it would be opposite of kind.
Sincere praise, on the other hand, is extremely useful. It works far better than negative criticism. Here is a case in point:
Kids in the US, at least those of my generation, played a game called Hot and Cold. It goes like this. The kid whose turn it is to be “IT” leaves the room and waits to be recalled. The others in the room hide something—a rubber ball, a candy bar, anything that can be easily concealed. They call IT back, and she must find the hidden prize. As IT begins searching, the onlookers provide feedback by calling out “hot” or “cold” words. “You are cold.” “Colder!” “You are freezing.” “You are in Alaska!” “You are turning to ice.” When IT finally begins to near the target, they call out “You’re thawing out.” “You are getting warm.” “You are hot.” You’re burning up.” “You are practically in flames!”
Anyone who has played this game knows, when IT is in chilly territory, the feedback tells him nothing helpful about where to direct his search. He has to wander around until he begins to get some positive responses. The more positive responses and the more enthusiastic they are, the faster he reaches his goal.
In fact, praise is the best way to usher a person toward success. It tells her what she is doing right and encourages her to do more of it. Praise is motivating as well as directional. It gives hope of success and energizes the person, speeds the pilgrim on his path.
Negative remarks have exactly the opposite effect. “This book lacks a sense of place,” the critic might say. Or “This sentence is unclear.” Or “This chapter is wordy.” These kinds of remarks are the literary equivalent of “You are cold.” Or “You are turning to ice.” If the person stating them is out to pass judgement on the work, okay. They’ll do. But if the Beta reader is trying to help a writer improve the work, negative statements, in and of themselves, would be the opposite of helpful. They are useful only if they accompany suggestions of how to fix the problem. The best kind of negative feedback gives not only examples of what he is doing wrong, but also contrasts them with places where he gets things right.
No matter the endeavor, telling a person only what is wrong with what he did is no help at all.
Praise on the other hand, as long as it is truthful, is always a blessing and speeds the recipient to his goal.
