Wednesday, April 19, 2017

I, Leye Adenle, have gone to DEFCON 1

Leye - every other Wednesday

We really haven't come far from this guy. Source

I’ve gone to DEFCON 1. I’m not waiting for America. I’m not waiting for the world. I’m not waiting for you. My bombers are airborne. The silos are warmed and ready to go. Preppers don’t have shit on me. I’m taking no chances. The world has gone batshit crazy and I’m not going to be caught unprepared.

We are so, so close to world war three. So, so, trumpfully close, but no one is freaking out. Why aren’t we all freaking out? Why am I the only one freaking out? Am I missing something? Is Trump’s armada heading towards the Sea of Japan or isn’t it? Is Kim Jong-un promising a pre-emptive nuclear strike or is he not? Is China gearing up for all-out war or not? Did America just drop the mother of all bombs on a sovereign nation, or didn’t they?

The world has gone crazy. In my home country of Nigeria, the corruption police, the EFCC, just discovered over forty-three million dollars stashed away in an empty apartment. This is not the first similar haul, but this time the secret police came forward, after days of keeping mute on the subject, to claim the money belongs to them. Funds for some covert operation that even the president doesn’t know about, they are claiming. Dollars. Millions. In cupboards. In a flat. À la Pablo Escobar. Everyone has gone crazy.

Closer to me, physically, in my second home of England, the prime minister just called a snap election after repeatedly and sternly insisting she would do no such thing. Read my lips: no new taxes. But Theresa May’s much unexpected U-turn is not a bad thing. You do the best you can, based on what you know at the time, and when you know better you do better. Sticking to a plan simply because you made one is why many projects fail.

 It is good to change your mind. Realities change, situations change, people change, you change. But maybe it’s better not to make strong declarations in the first place. Maybe she should have said, ‘As of today, I have no plans to call snap elections because…’ Then, fast-forward to now, she would have simply had to say ‘Now that Labour is lagging in the polls and assured of a thorough shellacking, I’m calling snap elections.’

My point here is, you make decisions based on what you know now, but you keep your options open, and if new things become known, or if the things upon which you made your decision change, you make new decision. You don’t stick to a bad decision simply because you made it. It’s like ordering the pickled onion ice-cream and discovering you really don’t like it. You don’t continue eating it. No. You accept defeat and you order something sane that you should have ordered in the first place.

But the world has gone mad. Theresa May is calling snap elections but sticking to BREXIT. We have since learnt that divorcing the European Union is a baaaaaaad decision, but we are sticking to it. The world has gone mad.

I’m not one to rant pointlessly, (without a point to make), but damn, I’m freaking out here. The world has gone mad around me and I’m afraid I’m the only one using the torch on his mobile to sending SOS into the night sky so the Aliens can come and scare us all into sanity.

If you want to join me in sending signals to space, the method I use is thus:

1, switch the phone’s torch on. 2, direct the beam upwards. 3, intermittently cover the lens with my spare hand. 4, count to three. 5, take hand away. 6, count to three. 7, return hand to lens. 8, repeat three times. 9, do steps 3 to 8 but this time only count to one. 10, repeat ad infinitum. Or till the mothership arrives.


  1. I'm with you, Leye. Only problem is that I think the mother ship is waiting until it can come in and pick up the pieces.

  2. I want you, Leye, to be the one who decides who is allowed to get on the Mothership when it arrives. When I was in college I wrote a bad SciFi short story. Where the crew of a spaceship was on an intergalactic mission to check on a planet that people were using as an insane asylum for mutants who were too dangerous to be allowed to stay in civilization. They made several passes and reported back to the president: "No improvement. Recommend another 5000 years needed." The punch line:
    A young crew member asks the name of the asylum planet. The answer, "Earth."

    1. Is this truly the Mother of All Ships? Or just "the Mothership?" Inquiring minds want to know...

  3. Or get yourself a pair of ruby slippers and begin clicking those heels together....

    On second thought, that will only bring you to Kansas.

    "One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One.........."

  4. Maybe those 1950 backyard bunkers will be of use! I wish I had one. But maybe people won't notice South Africa in the mess.