Some patients need a little more patience.

There are some patients that require a little more patience. And here's a list that started off as a small paragraph on the internet and has gained some traction.....

Little Miss Its nothing to do with me;  Yes, I’m very overweight. I don’t do any exercise. I don’t take my medication. I won't follow any of your advice. Can you sort me out please?

Little Miss Rude; Those patients that treat the reception staff abominably but are charm personified towards the therapist. Never think that receptionists will go out their way to get them an appointment in a busy clinic. Receptionists are all powerful.

Mr Liar Liar pants on fire; So what’s your alcohol intake for the week? How many cigarettes do you smoke a day? So, you’re following a strict diet and your weight is going up. One lettuce leaf in a burger does not equate to salad. And you reek of tobacco. And you have a half eaten bar of chocolate in your pocket.

Mrs Anne Tibiotic; Can I have an anti biotic. No, you have a viral infection. Yeah but it needs an anti biotic...

The Columbo patient; Appointment is over, notes written up, patient has his hand on the doorhandle to leave the room and turns round and says, "just one more thing". Then announces something really significant like 'Does that explain why my foot has gone black?'

Mr Miracle Seeker; I’ve been in constant agony for 3 months but I’m going on holiday tomorrow.

                                                          

Hello darlin, how you doing sweetheart; To which the answer is 'I’m a healthcare professional and I have a very sharp pointy needle.'

Little Miss Pure Agony; "Can you just see me please, I’m desperate, I’m in pure agony."  "We can give you an emergency appointment at 3.30."   "I can’t make that, I’ve got my pole dancing class."

Mr Secretive;  "Are you sure that’s all the medication you’re on, you seem to be bleeding quite a lot." "Well the anti coagulants are nothing to do with my knee, are they?"

Little Miss Shower Dodger; She'll ask why I’m wearing a mask. Answer is always followed by the line "Your muscles are very tight. Why don’t you have a long hot shower before you come and see me the next time?"

                                             

Little Mr Sociable; "Oh that was great I feel a lot better. I’ve got 500 pictures of my cruise on my phone, do you want to see them."

Mr I Need a Referral patient:  This is every second patient with our NHS. They are closely followed by Miss Can I have a letter.

Mr Spreadsheet: "I’ve made a small spreadsheet of my pain, coloured coded with intensity, distribution, duration going up to 12 different factors."

Miss Phone Syndrome: Those patients who will happily answer the phone in the middle of the consultation just to have a chat with their pals despite visible signage to switch all phones to silent. Patients who say "can I leave my phone on as I’m expecting a call from the hospital/care home/ doctor" are perfectly welcome to do so.

                                                  

Mr I’ve looked it up on google: Congratulations but you still don’t get sciatica in your arm.

Mr Missing in Action; Constant repeat non attendee sometimes accompanied by his friend "too late to be seen". This begs a philosophical question. How can somebody constantly be 13 minutes late?  Surely after the first time being 13 minutes late you leave the house 13 minutes earlier.

Mr Two for the price of one: "Can you just have a look at the wife while I’m here?" Also followed by "Can I bring the whole family?" Using the reception as a creche facility. To be fair most patients phone up and say "I’m really sorry I’m going to have to bring the kids with me."

                                                 

Mr Chronic Complainer; Never ever dare to get these patients better. They really only exist to complain about their pain. However its usually ok to play golf but they are too sore to load the dishwasher.

Little Miss Vague; There’s a long story. It's  not really about anything and that can lead to the conversation. "So where does it hurt exactly?" To which they answer "At the bus stop."  Vagueness of pain can be part of the symptom picture, however there is precisely vague and then vaguely vague.

The Frequent Flyer: What is known in the trade as the Martini patient – anytime, anyplace anywhere.

After reading who has been selected for the position with responsibility for health in the US, I think the issues above are relatively mild. Maybe we’ll see in the upturn in the numbers of Little Miss Conspiracy Theorist attending we all know all doctors are trying to kill off the population or injecting them with brain controlling nanobots. If the patients above had their brain controlled by a nanobot, it might make the job easier. And as I live in close proximity to Glasgow Airport, I could be affected by the mind altering vapour trails from the jets so the madness is not mine.

                                        

Caro