Jeff–Saturday
I’ve started writing my next Kaldis book. So far, I have this
killer opening:
“He regarded himself as a swashbuckling pirate awash in
Mediterranean adventures. Part Errol Flynn, part Johnny Depp, and part good old
Hyman Diamondides. Trouble was, Hyman
lived in Brooklyn, and the only boat he’d ever been on was the Staten Island
Ferry, an experience that still terrorized him.”
I’m serious folks. Honest.
I
cannot say where that opening will take me, but something about it sparked the magical
process that inspires so many artists to create.
Those words may never see the final version, but they’ll
undoubtedly serve as my guide for negotiating clear-eyed through vast stretches
of seductively easy prose, battling bare-knuckled against seemingly insurmountable
plot obstacles, accommodating characters with rebellious minds of their own,
and resisting the narcissistic draw of on-the-nose preaching. Yes, in those opening three sentences I place
blind faith that the writing gods, in their wisdom and alchemy, will bring me
once more to the Promised Land of a finished book. Amen.
Having attained that good mood, I shall not risk losing it by
commenting on any of the many deservedly comment-inducing matters of the day.
Instead, I shall share with you a half-dozen jokes posted in READER’S DIGEST as among “The
Most Hilarious Jokes of All Time, According to America’s Beloved Comedy Writers.” They may not be to everyone’s taste, but what
is?
Joke #1 [All cartoons by Brandon Specktor]
A
turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police
show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know.
It all happened so fast.
Joke #2
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads
on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend
ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Joke #3
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they
each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get
together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the
Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy
word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the
circumcision.”
Joke #4
A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played
backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward,
and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asks a cemetery worker.
“It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.”
Joke #5
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not
breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and
calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now
what?”
Joke #6
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.”
Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing
avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days
reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you
want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
That’s all, folks. For this week.
PS. Just to remind you last
minute shoppers, only five days remain to purchase an e-book
version of my tenth Chief Inspector Andreas Kaldis novel, THE MYKONOS MOB, across
all e-book formats for $1.99 via this link.
--Jeff