Annamaria on Monday
Ask people what is the most precious commodity, and most, I imagine, once they thought about it would conclude that time is the most precious thing. None of us can possibly know exactly how much we will get until we are very close to our end. Not even people who own billion dollar yachts can buy more. So, we should see time as precious. And we do. Right?
Yet, I hear people, often they are women looking in the mirror at their wrinkles, say, "I hate getting old." I ask them if they have considered the only alternative. I am 83. I call myself an old lady. Frequently, when I do that, people try to disabuse me of that description. "You're not old." they say. "Oh but I am," I answer. And I am happy to be so. I understand that growing old gives an aging person the gift of more time. This to me is wonderful. Don't you think? Far too many of my fellow human beings think that "old" means "decrepit." But it does not. For me "old" means "NOT DEAD."
I am not dead! Hooray!
Some people loose their mental capabilities as they age, certainly. Having lost loved ones far too early, I have seen such tragedies up close, most vividly when my now dear, departed David began suffering from early-onset Alzheimer's disease when he was barely sixty-seven. How can I not be totally grateful that, now - more than a year older then he was when he died, I am still here. Still doing stuff. HAPPY to be a little old lady.
What I wish I could get rid of is the wide-spread prejudice against aging. That growing old is a curse. That all old people are too impaired to function at all and that old people themselves and the world in general would be better off if once people got into their seventies they did the right thing and died.
Do you think I am being too harsh in my description of ageism? Well here is what I wrote In January of 2017. It starts with the anger of a dear friend, regarding the election of the man who had just taken office as the President of the United States. I was every bit as angry and heart broken as she in the face of that turn of events. I hated everything that man stood for (and still do). I could then and can now make a long, long list of what I would have preferred. But that friend summed the problem as stemming from the fact that the members of the Supreme Court of the US were "old."
Here is what I wrote seven and a half years ago. Everything I wrote then is still true.
This rant is inspired by comments made on
this blog in a past couple of weeks, but also by a discussion with a dear
friend during the marvelous Icelandic Noir conference shortly after the last US
election. There, a young woman, a friend
I love, was outraged at the results, as was I. She demanded a way for the
American people to overturn the election, in the course of which she attacked
the US Supreme Court as a group of people too old to make decent
judgments. “What are they? People in their 70s? They can’t even think anymore.”
I did not reveal, at that moment, the
irrelevant fact that I am seventy-five years old. And, mirabile dictu, I can still think. I do not blame that wonderful woman for her
ageist attitudes. A great deal of the
world at large agrees with her conviction: When people get old, they get
stupid.
A corollary to this “truism” is that one
should try, if at all possible, to pass oneself off as younger than one
is. When I tell people my age, they urge
me not to reveal it. “You don’t look
that old.” “You seem much younger.” “Why tell people that? You could pass for ten years less.” They don’t understand. When I disclose my age, I am bragging. You see, I am now 25% older than my poor
mother was when she died. Having reached
my current age is something for me to rejoice over. Not only am I still alive, I am vital,
brimming with energy, with goals and plans that will keep me busy for every coming
day that I get to spend on this marvelous planet. I take no credit for the current state of my
health. I chalk it up to good genes and
good luck. I know many people in my age cohort who are doing great work. And you can bet your pettootie
I am not going to waste a second of whatever time I have left. I refuse to accept the notion that being old
means being wasted and useless.
What angers me most about the ageist
attitudes so prevalent in the world today is not the beliefs of the young, but
the self-deprecating behaviors of the aging.
Oh, I understand that people begin to fear
the loss of their own potency and some become terrified that they will succumb
to that cruelest of diseases—dementia.
But sitting at a dinner table and not being able to remember immediately
the name of that actor whose first name is Jeff is NOT a symptom of incipient Alzheimer’s
disease. Believe me, I have first hand
knowledge of what the onset of that disease looks like, and that is not it.
Every once in a while, I too find my memory
a little recalcitrant. I think we all
need to chalk that up to the passage of time, but not to the slippery slide
into incompetence. I see another issue. The more information in the filing system,
the longer it takes to retrieve any particular item. True! People
over sixty have a lot stored in their heads—experiences, incidents, people,
facts, philosophies. Our brains are
alive with all those data points. All of
which make us valuable for our insights and our wisdom. So what if it takes a minute to come with
Bridges or Goldblum or Daniels or Chandler.
But we get embarrassed and chalk the delay up to old age.
PLEASE don’t do that. Just say “You know the one who played
Chamberlain in Gettysburg” or “You know The Great Lebowski.”
You see every time people with gray hair (or
the moral equivalent thereof) blame some little memory blip on aging, we reinforce
the notion that we are all over the hill.
We need instead to start sticking up for who we are.
I offer here a couple of sentences the aging
should NEVER say:
“I am having a senior moment.”
No you are not. The last time you had a senior moment was
just before you graduated from high school.
If you use this phrase you only perpetuate the notion that anyone older
than sixty must be impaired and cannot be trusted to function well.
“I have paid my dues”
I cannot tell you how I hate this miserable
excuse for resigning from life. People
who say this are really saying that they no longer want to do what ought to be
expected of them as members of society.
Do not let yourself off the hook.
The alternative is to sit on the sofa and wait to die. If that is your idea of being alive, I
suggest you go into therapy. If you are
infirm, you have every right to claim infirmity. If you are not infirm, use the gift life has
given you. Wasting it would be a
sin. When my father was 89 he had a
regular gig driving what he called “the old people” in his community to their
doctor appointments. When I grow up, I
want to be like him.
Take a look at these people and think about
what it meant to them to have a “senior moment.” When you grow up, don’t you want to be like
them?
Judi Dench was 60 when she got her first starring role in a film |
Norman Maclean was 76 when he published his first fiction, The best seller, "A River Runs Through It" |
Fauja Singh ran the marathon when he was 100 |
Grandma Moses had her first art exhibition when she was 78 |
Olympia Dukakis, won an Oscar when she was 56, and became an "overnight" success |
At 79, Mel Brooks wrote the words and music for his first Broadway hit show-- "The Producers" |
Thank you, sis, for only using my name, not my photo.
ReplyDeletePeople ask me all the time why I spend my life on Mykonos where everyone is so young. I just stare at them...and not because I don't recognize them. :)
Thank you for not saying what you are thinking about when you stare
DeleteThat's because I forget. :)
DeleteWait. What? Jeff's an ACTOR? I knew he was sleazy, but I thought he was a LAWYER. Sheesh. There goes my spiritual transformation. I need another post from Susan...
ReplyDeletePS. I like your attitude, AmA. You're really gonna be SOMETHIN'... when you grow up.
DeleteGrowing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
DeleteThis probably isn't the place to mention that Susan is actually a lawyer too....
DeleteLOOK OVER THERE! JAPAN!
I agree absolutely, of course! And I couldn't remember actors' names even when I was a senior in your sense!
ReplyDeleteYes! I knew you would agree, Michael. And I distinctly remember, from time to time in my twenties, going to the fridge, opening the door, and forgetting what I went there to get. So what?
DeleteI do that too! I guess one only has to worry when you forget it's a fridge...
DeleteI think I was born at 60 and have been growing younger ever since. You are a puddlejumper AM and always will be. Age has nothing to do with it, it's the spirit in the heart that counts.
ReplyDeleteI loved Singh's thoughts on marathon running; He trains for the first twenty miles, his faith gets him through the last six.
Yes, Caro. We can't halt the passage of time, but we can decide how we want to deal with it. Steering clear of naysayers is a big part of staying fully alive. I hate it when people naysay themselves. I can't imagine you doing that. I would jump up and down in a puddle with you anytime!
DeleteWhen I spout occasional words of wisdom (it has always been a rarity) and get looks of amazement my usual reply is, "I ain't dead yet!"
ReplyDeleteJono, Years ago, when the Monty Python crowd was performing on Broadway, I bought myself at the souvenir stand a button that reads "not dead yet". I have it somewhere. Thanks to you I'll remember to dig it out and wear it!
DeleteThank you! I needed this! Love, Molly
ReplyDeleteMy pleasure. I will be the Bay Area in late May. Hope to see you then. Sending big love to all the McBradfords.
DeleteThank you!
ReplyDeleteYou are very welcome, Susan. I'm glad you liked the post. Come back again soon.
DeleteVery good sentiments in this post.
ReplyDeleteAs many people say about aging, "consider the alternative."
There is so much to do. Two friends who just had their 77th birthdays never stop going. One just published a book; the other never stops doing things, exhausting her younger friends.
My mother was very active, going on long walks, doing exercises until she was 89 and got dimentia.
Then she ran for President?
DeleteHi Kathy, I'm not sure what Jeff means by that crack, but I will just ignore it. I sometimes fear that I am exhausting to my friends as well. Fortunately for me, I have had many of them for decades, and they know my energy level. If they were going to stop liking me, they would have done it along time ago. All I know is I can't stop moving.
DeleteWell said, my friend. My story, like yours, is that our brains are so full of information, it gets harder to find what we know is there. And I am sticking to it!
ReplyDeleteTriss, as usual we are proven soul sisters!!
DeleteThank you for the reminder, Annamaria - I've never minded age, or thought less of anyone for theirs (though I confess to sometimes making at least one of the above comments, without thinking, that I've since tried to cut from my vocabulary!)
ReplyDeleteYou are a dear, vibrant, beautiful person - at any and every age!
Thank you, Dearest. I have to admit that I feel more alive now than I often did when I was much younger and didn't trust myself as much. A friend who just turned 70 called her age "unthinkable." You KNOW I went to work on her for that.
DeleteDefinitely keep on keeping on doing what you're doing.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I love that slogan, "Keep calm and grow old disgracefully." We're all going to have to with certain people running this government. A lot of "disgraceful" women who "persist" will just have to keep on speaking up and more.
Rep. John Lewis, Civil Rights icon, has said, "Stand up and keep marching!" Yep.
You always were my wiser older sister. But not by much 🤣. xox
ReplyDeleteThe Jeff you can’t forget. 🤗🤗🤗
Thank you, Bro. I am happy to be sometimes wise and sometimes a wiseacre!
DeleteMore like a "wisehectare." :)
DeleteThis is superb! Very wise.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jamie. Many good things are still in our futures. Let’s go for them!
DeleteThank you, Dear Ovidia. I am particularly happy to say these things to women younger than I. The world to sends young women very strong messages about aging – that it’s really all over when you’re 40. James Bond is allowed to be in his 50s, but the bond girls all have to be between 24 and 26. Yet, all possibilities are still on the table. It’s important that we know that.
ReplyDeleteROFLMAO... I'd forgotten this column, and when I read it just now, my second reaction was exactly the same (as I found out when I looked at the comments) as my reaction in 2017: "What? Jeff;s an actor???" I guess my brain is working (or not, as Jeff might say) the same as it was 7 years ago. :-)
ReplyDeleteAs for my FIRST reaction to your column, it was "Hallelujah!" to your statement, "I am not dead."
I won't advise you to "Carry on," as I know you will (except on exceedingly lengthy trips, when checked baggage seems SLIGHTLY reasonable...)
Yep, you sure do know me well, EvKa.
DeleteThank you, Everett. BUT…ROFLMAO? I had to look it up! And it seems to have something to do with a fundamentalist religious group in the United Kingdom. This is a side of you we’ve never seen here on MIE. All opinions are welcome, of course. But perhaps you would kindly elucidate?
ReplyDeleteYes, it's the world's fastest growing religion. There are now multiple temples in most every village, town, and city around the world. There are no pews or other painful furniture. Devotees spend much of their time on the floor, frequently rolling into one another, similar to speaking in tongues, but totally different. Arses have been known to be left in the dust.
ReplyDeleteMany years ago, Everett, I worked on a futures study for what was then the largest pharmaceutical company in the world. With their strategic planning team. They commissioned a study of what would be happening in 1985. It was the mid 70s, maybe 1974? It was a classic study that involved consultants who interviewed all kinds of people, including professors, whose job it was to try to protect the future, but also a very diverse array of creative thinkers, including artists, musicians, athletes, and the likes of me. One of the conclusions was the rise of fundamentalist religion. From my point of view 50 years ago, that sounded ridiculous. The whole world seemed to be going in the opposite direction. I got to write the final report, which I did not filter through my own POV. I'm glad I didn't say, about that prediction, my true feelings at the time. Considering how completely wrong I was. And here we are. The outcome predicted. Talk about backlash! In some places, people seem to be longing for the middle ages. Not me. AA
DeleteYour prediction wasn't wrong. Religious 'following' in the U.S. has continued to decline. What you missed was that as a group's number shrink, at some point they become more entrenched, more 'radical', trying to "save their society." The same thing has happened regarding racism. I believe that actual racism in the U.S. has continued to decline since we were young. The U.S. continues to 'brown'. That's causing a certain segment of the 'white' segment to become more entrenched and radicalized, as they see 'their' vision of America disappearing.
DeleteYou just have to be careful not to confuse "more extreme" for "growing strength."
A good point, EvKa, though not a necessarily comforting one. :(
DeleteSis, this was a terrific post--as evidenced by the enthusiasm it generated. In my jet-lagged state, it didn't hit me until now how freakishly coincidental it is to something going on in my life. Book #14 in my Kaldis series comes out in April 2025. And the title is---NOT DEAD YET. Cue the Twilight Zone music.
ReplyDelete