Murder is Everywhere: A different view of reviews

Sorry. But it is funny. Or is it?

Just spent a very bad week on holiday. My edit came back on the Monday I was away which was not bad. Worse was the paperwork I had to prepare before I appeared in court as an expert witness the day after we were due back. And then of course something disastrous happened on the Tuesday.

In America.

He was up all night, hitting his head off the wall.

I’m sure you all feel you’ve had enough so I’m not going to comment.

Well not very much.

I couldn’t really concentrate on the edit because of the court case. But as I was pulling out the cases to pack to come back I got an email to say a plea was now on the table so I wasn’t required. So just to amuse myself, and hopefully yourself, I started browsing through some of the terrible reviews of the hotel we were staying at.

And realised maybe it's time for humanity to think that some people are too stupid to be allowed an opinion on anything, especially politics.

Here are the reviews. And my responses if I was in customer service...

It's impossible to go anywhere. This resort is tiny, there are no bars, no restaurants or anything. I was going mad by day two. You are probably mad already. It's a very small cove between two very high cliffs. It's very obvious.

People were judging us as if we are weird. There is a terrible atmosphere. We were two woman holidaying on our own and were fed up with filthy disgusting looks. Please tell me what you were doing to get such looks...I'm intrigued.

There were cats everywhere, I found it very upsetting. They should be rounded up. Ahh, the famous cats of Taurito. They have their own Facebook page. There's 12 of them in the bay, all looked after, all friendly. If you don't like cats, don't get involved.

It wasn’t proper sand on the beach. They should let you know that the sand is the wrong colour. All golden sand in the Canaries is imported. Go somewhere else on holiday.

Our sleep at night was constantly interrupted by the noise of the waves. Nobody told us that the sea would be so noisy. When I explained this to the staff they made no effort to make the sea go quieter. Maybe the middle of the island would be better for you. Or the middle of the sea. With or without a boat. Are you the person who has just tiktoked that they couldn't believe that cruise ships sailed at night when it was dark?

Although it shows clearly on the picture that the hotel was built into a cliff it does not say that the cliff is vertical rather than horizontal. Therefore the rooms at the top are quite high up. I have vertigo. This is disgraceful. I demanded my money back but got no satisfaction. Ah, good point. As the hotel is actually at ground level. But the ground at that level is high up.

I believe the hotel was built in the 60s. Even in the 60s people knew that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. So the hotel should have been built at a proper angle so that the balconies get the sun all day. You could have moved your sunbed.

I couldn’t believe that we were one of the few British people there. It was very unsettling. We voted for BREXIT. Some of the staff spoke Spanish. I rather enjoy not being surrounded by British people because of comments like this.

It is a rip off to call itself an all inclusive hotel as the drinks covered in the all inclusive package are only water, all soft drinks, coffee tea, beer, red white and rose wine, all spirits and 5 of the more common cocktails. What do you drink? The blood of virgins?

They even had the audacity to refuse to put my wine in a glass for me to take to the pool, offering me a plastic one instead. Please see below.

The rule about no glass around the pool was not strictly enough enforced. Why oh why can people not pay attention to rules. Please see above.

pesky sea, pesky waves, pesky sunny thing in sky!

After going for a swim, I found myself quite wet. Again I complained to the management and I was not offered a discount. Towel noun

a piece of thick absorbent cloth or paper used for drying oneself or wiping things dry:
"a bath towel" · "a paper towel"

The food was totally disgusting, none of it was edible and some of it was foreign. Their themed nights are laughable. One whole section of the buffet was for vegans and vegetarians. It does not say on the brochure that this hotel allows such people. I asked for a discount and I wasn’t given one. Please do not come here again.

The worst thing about the buffet was that the food was cold, especially the salad. I complained and didn’t get a discount. Ditto as above.

We ordered champagne, we were advised that it would be 10 minutes before it was at the right temperature. We said we wanted it now. When it arrived it was at the wrong temperature and they refused to deduct it from the bill. Ahh... that's the drink that's not on the all inclusive. I wonder what temperature the virgin's blood was at? 36.5?

The infamous desk where accounts were calculated and novel went unedited

I had my child with me, my child is much younger than me. I could not believe the lack of facilities for my child. It was a terrible holiday. I asked for a refund and I got nothing. Not at this hotel you didn't as it's adults only. If your child was over 18 he should have been able to amuse himself. Has he seen Psycho?

The holiday book list!

They say they have a gym, it's tiny. There is nowhere to exercise so I asked for a discount, I didn’t get any. People run on the beach or swim in the sea or in the pool. There's a park between the hotels with circuit equipment. It's a five minute walk. Was that too far for you because it wasn't on a treadmill?

I am an American, I chose poorly and we’ve ended up with the wrong President. I was refused a discount. Here's another country and you will be welcome. Our government is also awful but too inept to do much damage...