The Ramsay Guide on Being Annoying. No 1. Flying

We shall call her Maureen

                                        

Maureen stands at the front of the queue to get on the plane the minute the call goes out for small children and those needing assistance. Group 0 will be next. Then 1, 2, 3,4,5,6,7. Even though Maureen is group 8 she stays at the front of the queue. 

She forces everybody to walk round her, she has her wheelie trolley across the passage. When she gets to the front Maureen gives the cabin crew an eye roll when they ask for her ID and boarding pass. 

She has put these at the bottom of her handbag which is tied on to her wheelie case. 

                                           

Maureen does not understand numbers, she has an argument with boarding crew. She thought that two bags makes three as the weight is the same and it's okay on the airline she normally flies with. Maureen produces excess tutting as she opens her case to put her handbag inside. 

Maureen wears very strong perfume. 

Some Maureen’s have friends, they travel with their friends but don’t want to pay extra to book seats. Within 5 seconds of the seatbelt sign going off Maureen and friends form a coven round the one with the best seat and strongly suggest that other people move. 

All Maureens have their eye lashes extended the day before flying. These eyelashes will tickle the back of the head of the person sitting in front of them. Its rumoured that these eyelashes can be used as extra lift assistance, increasing the flap area of the aircraft, should it get into difficulties. As yet this has not been tested in an emergency scenario. 

Maureen’s talk very loudly, they say nothing of any consequence. 50% of their vocabulary is ‘like’ and ‘amazing’. They tend to nod a lot. 

Before take off Maureens will remember that their handbag is in the case stored in the overhead locker. So they need to get out their window seat and go in search of the luggage bin they put their case in. This is often in the opposite direction that 99.9% of the people are moving in. She can block the aisle for a good 10 minutes. 

Maureen’s typically go to the toilet just before take off causing the pilot to tell them to get out of the toilet. Maureen goes to the toilet again before landing, again because she is ignoring cabin crew. Pilot has to tell her to get out of toilet. She then complains loudly that she was in there adjusting her eye lashes. 

                                      

If Maureen is a mother, baby will be in a buggy and the buggy will be used as a battering ram through duty free. Maureen will get up and down a lot during the flight to get stuff, constantly saying excuse me I have a baby. 

Maureen considers it against her human rights and the intellectual development of her child to take things to amuse baby on flight rather, her preference is that the child should express itself fully and indeed ‘amuse’ the rest of the passengers by singing 'the wheels on the bus' for the entire duration of the flight. Should the child’s voice start to fade, Maureen joins in increasing the volume just in case the passenger trying to work with his headphones on and laptop open 30 rows away isn’t quite getting it.

 Maureen often asks the cabin crew for something they do not have and she keeps asking after being told that they do not have it. She doesn’t understand its an aeroplane not McDonalds. 

Maureen’s like to take a rebellious approach to air travel, they don’t put the arm rest down, they don’t stow away their tables, they don’t open the window blind. They don’t understand using the phone on silent mode. 

Maureen’s like to stand in the aisle and talk to their pals, they have great endurance and can do this for the entire flight no matter how much they interrupt the trajectory of the refreshment trolley. 

Good Maureens can get very loud, very drunk and they think they are more interesting than they are.

 Classic Maureen puts her case in the first overhead luggage bin then finds a seat in the last row, then remembers her handbag. 

                                      

Maureen with have allergies, she makes sure everybody knows about it including the pilot and makes sure the pilot tells everybody. 

Maureen wears far too many jumpers to cut down on luggage and wriggles like a constipated octopus while sitting in the middle seat. 

Maureens can be the last people to board because they are at the wrong gate waiting for the wrong plane going to the same destination. Maureen’s complain loudly that no two aeroplanes have the right to be flying to the same place at roughly the same time. 

If you have been affected by any of the issues in this blog, help is available in the form of white wine.

Caro. Written from the airport.