Although you might not think it from yesterday's blog, I too was at Crimefest. I had the ghostly dashing presence of one who is wayyyy behind with their book and has a deadline looming. As my lovely editor Kate said the minute she saw me 'So are you not due to deliver soon?' Like I was in maternity somewhere.
Anyway here's what we were doing when that Zoe Sharp and the clever South Africans were next door. I had my spies out.
A full house for Conspiracies, Lies and Secrets. Why did they think I would be a natural chair for that?
Interviewing the rather lovely Matt Johnson, ex soldier, police officer, ex lots of things with guns. I am rather in awe of folk who can go there and do the dangerous stuff that keeps us safe in our beds at night. I wanted to ask him who would win in a fight between him and Andy McNab. I wanted to ask him if the SAS and Mossad ever played cricket, would anybody be allowed to watch. Matt even bought me a jar of honey from his own bees, trying to sweeten me up no doubt. For reasons of veganism, his dastardly ploy failed.
Read Wicked Games... well just read the Amazon reviews and judge for yourself. Scarily real book.
Serving police officer Lisa talking about catching peadophiles and the dangers of conspiracies as explored in her book Mercy Killing. On the panel she explained that some people don't know the difference between a paedophile and a paediatrician. One of the big dangers of vigilantism is that some folk are not that bright.
After all my sensitive talk with Lisa and Matt, I have just asked Daniel what is Luxembourg famous for apart from Radio, the Eurovision Song Competition and It's a Knock out. His expression says it all. He wanted a new moderator. I read a novella of his called the Candidate ( set in Luxembourg, very good and kind of sexy Russian ladies all walking over bridges in strange moods- I can see the film in my head!) but the new one is set in Amsterdam - The Harbour Master.
I think he should set his next book in Govan.
I asked the panel for a secret. Lisa had nearly arrested Matt Lucas while he was filming 'Come Fly with me' for his very odd behaviour; in drag and throwing coffee cups around.
Daniel admitted to dressing in yellow at the London Olympic games opening ceremony. I watched it. making sure he was not keeping a bigger secret about him falling over but he stayed on his feet.
Pete Adams, at the end of the panel is consulting his lawyer as to who got him involved in this nonsense and how much can he sue for. His book, The Barrow Boys Cadenza is a book like no other I have ever read. Tom Sharpe meets Jane Austin. Meets Minder. Very funny. But not a little scary.
He has a trilogy of eight.
Matt admitting to turning down an auditioner for lead singer in his rock band. It was Simon Le Bon.
Lisa wondering why my secret was being in a room with Frank Sinatra. Naked. Except for one piece of leather. Well, you should have been there!
Pete waiting for his lawyer to call back. He had gone into a hat shop in 1974.
He came out with a hat.
Not the hat. But a hat. On his head.,
Now a panellist with Vassem, Suzette, Len and that Bendoris bloke. He invented the term 'Doing a Bendoris'. It means going to someone else's book launch and out selling them. He wrote Killing With Confidence. A self help book for serial killers. Like most things Scots it's funny and dangerous at the same time. Like Matt.
On my panel, sitting next to Bendoris. Asking the good lord for help so I don't succumb to smacking him in the gob. Two Scots together. There will be trouble.
On my secret spy phone, asking Matt if the SAS do homers.
Len Tyler trying to keep order
in a panel about detective duos. I had the true detectives. Suzette has cats and dogs, Matt has journalists, Len has crime writers and agents, Vassem has a baby elephant called ganesh. Are you keeping up with all this?
Suzette pondering how her life came to this.
Me paying attention to Len just to prove that I can.
At half seven the next morning I was outside, doing some editing. Told you I was behind.
As Alan looked along the road out of Bristol, wistfully.
Caro Ramsay 27 05 2016