Friday, January 29, 2016

The Noble art Of Scotti Baiting.

I have been very jealous if these other MIE types who are in lovely places at the moment. I have spent the last week in computer hell while watching the different colour of weather warnings flash up on the screen.
                                                    I'm under the yellow bit

Also, this week we could not pay our staff any wages (this is due to an internet glitch at the bank ) so I am in hiding in case they catch me or punch me or kill me and sell my body parts on the internet. 
They would then have to divide up the 40p between them.

 It has been a very computery ruined week- hence my silence on the comments page, for  which I am sure you were grateful but the bad news is that  I am back. I am sitting here hiding in a post edit haze, stuffed full of dark chocolate with cranberries and red wine and have no energy to write something clever. So I am going to steal other people’s cleverness instead.
                                          From the TV Drama Threads.... 

One of my favourite quotes about Glasgow is from the wondrous Billy Connolly. I think I have used it here before.  “The great thing about Glasgow now is that if there is a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards”

I was scouting round the net for some anti Scottish sayings and they are very difficult to find as all things about Scotland are marvellous in every way – except the weather, the politicians, the economy, the food, the people, our neighbours down south.
We do have good scenery.
When you can see it!
Samuel Johnson was not a fan. Well, we know that it took Robbie Coltrane to advise him to put Aardvark in the dictionary, near the front. And that he might have missed out contrafibularity.
I will forgive but not forget.
                                                   Robbie being Samuel

Here are some of Sammy’s observations.
"Scotland is a vile country, though God made it, but we must remember that he made it for Scotsmen, and comparisons are odious, but God also made Hell."
(Hell might be warmer. I am writing this blog with the heating on full, the wood burner on max and I have my anorak round my shoulders)
Samuel also said… "Oats: a grain which in England is generally given to a horse, but in Scotland it supports the people."  
"Much may be made of a Scotsman, if he is caught young."
"The noblest prospect which a Scotsman ever sees, is the high road that leads him to England." (Caro snorts in outrage!)

                                              He looks a right barrell of laughs...

And then there was Charles Lamb.  "I have been trying all my life to like Scotsmen, and am obliged to desist from the experiment in despair"
What does he know.
Or Sidney Smith
"It requires a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotsman's understanding." (I think readers of this blog will doubt that very much or will be too scared to agree to it!)

"Scotsmen take all they can get - and a little more if they can…"

Or as we say…
"Give a Scotsman an inch and he'll take a mile."

One I do like is….
"Three failures and a fire make a Scotsman's fortune."
I found a few websites dedicated to the subject of annoying Scottish people.  They seem like an instruction manual as if Scotty baiting was some kind of national sport. None of them have annoyed me in the past although I have been the subject of all of them. I just put it down to the jealousy of the English as they can’t be Scots and deep down inside, they really desire to be. But can’t cope with the midges.  Can anybody!!

So in no particular order...
People shouting “Och aye the noo!” at me. He was a native American- oh no, that was Hawk Eye The Noo. (See above point about sense of humour!)

Calling me English. I don’t find it offensive, I just think it’s bloody obvious that I am not. And never accuse me of being Welsh that’s just unfair!
                                                    teee heeee
I once spent a whole dinner party being asked to say the words. There’s been a murder, purple, film, burger, corduroy and curly wurly. Anybody with any sense knows that the word film has got two syllables fil and um.

Asking me if I believe in Nessie then arguing with me when I say yes.  Our monster, leave her alone. she supports our economy.

When folk say they have never been to Scotland, but think it’s nice. Stay away. If you can’t make the effort to waterproof yourself then you don’t deserve the majesty of our land/culture/football team/tatan stuff in general.
 I did nearly smack somebody in the kisser when they were surprised that Scotland a) had opera, b) the opera is based in Glasgow and c) it is quite good. But not many open air performances for obvious reasons.

It doesn’t annoy me at all when folk claim their great-great-great-great grandfather was Scottish, so that means they are too. The more the merrier but don’t all come back at once or the British Isles will tip over. The ancestry thing is problematic, John Barrowman, no thanks, (Canadian Scot) but Chris Hadfield, Oh yes (Canadian Scot.) We can afford to pick and choose as Scots get everywhere and breed ( see accents below)
                                                    pseudo Scot
Never call a kilt a skirt unless you are two young to know the difference - about three years of age max...

Visitors who moan about the rain can also so away – they say how beautiful and green the country is, like those two things are in no way related.

And sometimes they act as if there are only two places in Scotland.  Glasgow… and the other one…

Folk say that we pronounce things incorrectly and then say that we don’t speak English. We do, it’s just not their English. I have to work hard to understand them, but we don’t get the same allowance. Eeejits. Loch is not difficult to say. Ecclefechan is. I have been told that a Scottish accent is very sexy so we have to learn to cope with all that attention…( see ancestry above)
                                           Sexy accent Scot
Some people go mental when there is a yellow weather warning for rain. Scotland is the country in the forecast picture that is under the symbol for ‘yellow warning for rain’ the hot bit at the bottom of the map can be annoying too when they are at Wimbledon on their Vest and shorts while we are in wellies and wrap round duvets.

And never wonder aloud what a “real Scotsman” wears under his kilt. Just pick it up and look if you are brave enough? NO? Well that’s and end to that then!

And yes we are a bit crap at some sports at the moment but we did invent a fair few so gies a break, we are just letting the rest of the world have a chance.
It has been said that all Scots are liars. Not true, but we do adjust out history as it suits us. See point above about sport. And ancestry

Scotch is Scotch. It is a drink not a person, a race or an adjective. Whiskey is never Scotch. Neither is anything American especially Mel Gibson. As he is Australian. Or something.

 The terms “England”, “Great Britain”, and “United Kingdom” all refer to a slightly different thing.

Editors not knowing that “outwith” is a word. As is wee. And shuddery. 


Caro  29 01 2016


  1. I love Scotty! (And Bones, and Spock. Kirk is okay, but Scotty is the best.)

    Seriously, Scotsmen are terrible trouble. It's the Scotswomen that are wonderful trouble.

    Just keep the rain in your face and a stiff wind up your kilt, 'n everything will turn out fine.

    As for having no energy for writing something clever, go on now, you're just giving us more evidence that the Scottish are epic tellers of tall tales.

  2. Caro, I have encountered some to those people who trash the Scots. Some of them have reviewed my books on Goodreads. Let us remain secure in our conviction that some people just don't know a good thing when they see it. Their brains and their eyesight are as foggy as a day in Scotland in June.

  3. Gosh, the more I read about Scotland, the more I like it -- history, country, the people, the humor, the eccentricities -- and the mystery writers, especially the Glaswegians, like Denise Mina, a strong defender.
    Everything but haggis and blood sausage. Can vegetarians and vegans survive in Scotland or would they be considered anti-Scotland?
    And it's so beautiful too, the lakes, mountains, land, seacoast.

  4. The engines cannae take it EvKa, you cannae change the laws of blogging! Or something like that. I had my Yeoman Janice Rand face on there. But not the frock.

  5. Lake Kathy, singular. The Lake Of Menteith is the only lake in Scotland, all the others are lochs. My friend Craig Robertson's book Cold Grave is set on the Lake Of Menteith as it freezes over and to can walk to the small island.... you can guess the rest!

  6. So sorry that you can't make it over to Bloody Scotland Annamaria - we shall postpone our coffee date until NO! And you shall come over here when the two festivals are a little further apart. Although our coffee is as bad as the weather. Visited by hurricane Gertrude today. She's very unfriendly.

  7. How long does it take to become fluent in Scottish?

  8. Depends how much you can drink Jono. The more YOU drink, the more coherent WE sound.

  9. We can give you some advice on how to deal with body parts.

  10. I think kilt and wee should never be used in the same sentence. Either it suggest too little or too much. Otherwise, I love everything about the place. I almost left a lot more than my heart there, that lovely September day on that lovely two-laner...up past Nessie's place.

  11. Oh, glad to learn of the lochs, not lakes. Will have to read about this.

    Another thing that intrigues me is something Gordon Ferris referred to in endnotes of Pilgrim Soul -- Scottish-Yiddish. I'd love to hear this.