Friday, July 3, 2015

The Quiet Revolution

                                                                       He is one.
                                                                   His missus isn't.

In my professional life I often come across (and try to avoid), a certain type of woman. I mentioned the type in my blog last week.

                                                    A fast one.

She will have a normal name, spelled oddly;  Ghilleyan  ( or Gillian as most folk would say it ) and will live in the West End of Glasgow paying a fortune for a  cupboard with a bed in it and no where to park.  She will eat her artisan bread with the gluten removed.  She will have children from various men and all the children will be called very strange  names, like Parsnip, Cloud, Herbgarden.  Ghilleyan will have long hair, wear dirndl skirts and smell vaguely of garlic. And BO. Everything will be porn – adverts, deodorant, high heels, interest rates. She will rebel against the global rape of the earth’s riches  and the internal combustion engine by riding a bike – apart from when it rains and she will ask for a lift from her neighbour who drives a five series Beamer. She will hunt out rare diseases and allergies for her children to have – the latest favourite is being allergic to WiFi. She will rebel against anything that smells of the establishment except living on social assistance as supporting herself and her family would entail getting a job and that would be an infringement of her human rights (and might involve her getting out her bed early). Or at all.

                                                         A blue eyed one...

Weirdly, she will be an animal lover and would dearly like to have a puppy for little Parsnip, Cloud, Herbgarten to learn about death (that’s a direct quote!) but refuses to keep an animal in captivity. She does not agree with charity as that is a product of capitalism.
                                            One who had an earful---or a mouthful...

Any normal conversation becomes has a political agenda making her exhausting to talk to.  She will have no sense of humour.
The children will have long hair and will not be allowed to be gender specific. They will be home schooled. By the time Parsnip is 17, he will cut his hair, go to school, eat Big Macs and become an accountant. He will never invite his mother to parents night. He will have a five series Beamer but not allow his mum in it because of the smell.

                                                    A quirky one..

I am jesting a little, but I can tick those boxes above for lots of people I know. (And avoid) The other thing she will be is a VEGAN!

                                                       The power one

So last week I was wittering on about Beyonce and her  veganism  and the V word versus  the ‘plant based whole grain diet’ phrase.
And I have come across another; The Power Vegan.

So can you be a normal vegan? Or do you need to be weird?  I mean can I be vegan and normal or is the whole thing too hard - will I go peculiar and even more odd. More quirky.
My thirty day vegan trial, day nine is going well.  So far so good. I still have some friends.
I have a new friend, called vegan womble.
Let me explain in case you ever need her.

Last week we had the return match of the Glasgow crime writers versus the Edinburgh crime writers. We won 357 to 355 so the west was best .... as it always is. We had travelled over to Edinburgh early.  I had a peanut butter sandwich in my bag just in case. Looking for a coffee and munchie, we walked about in search of a  baked potato, then outside Pret a Monkey ( as I call it)  coffee aroma wafting out the door, it  started to rain properly, real heavy bouncing rain, like Glasgow.  I got out the phone and got the vegan womble on the net. Pret A Monkey I said, pronouncing it properly and she came back with the sandwich to buy, the coffee to drink, the soup to have, the crisps to nibble  there was loads
 I love the vegan womble.

She has sourced lots of vegan chocolate – that dark stuff sprinkled with chilli !! In the supermarket half a mile from my front door.

                                                              The Cheery One ( see what I did there?)

 Vegan womble also tells me that the jam doughnuts in my lovely supermarket are vegan.  Diet coke is also but Irn Bru is not as the orange colouring is rumoured to be an extract from cow excrement. I’ve tried to check that with them!

This is not the vegan womble, this is a bog standard womble.

The vegan womble even photographs the items on the supermarket shelf to make them easy to find. I also noticed, while researching this blog that the UK is very strict about food labelling- all ingredients must be on the wrapper by law, and anything that can cause allergies must be in bold, so it makes it very easy.

                                                            A Canadian one.

I also am refusing to shop in specialist shops, I plan to be a mainstream vegan and so far so good.  The vegan womble consists of the vegan listings provided by  supermarkets (except Asda Walmart I think ) fast food outlets. You name it,  the womble has it covered.  While most of the outlets have offered their lists to the womble, some items have been legally challenged – mostly for religious  reasons obviously -   some hash browns are  vegan but they are coloured with  beef extract so not really vegan at all.

I have had friends for years who either forget I’m veggie or have never noticed. And I’ve been veggie for over 30 years so I  don’t think I bang on about it too much…..but going vegan…oh my goodness…..I am now responsible  for most of the evil in the world.

                                                                  A curvaceous one

 The slightly weird aggression that vegetarians are faced with, the  ‘so you don’t think that vegetables have feelings too?’  or ‘what would happen to all the cows if we didn’t eat them?’, this  becomes fully fledged madness when the word ‘vegan’ is mentioned…. Oh you will die, never seen a healthy vegan, are you some kind of religious nutter, you keep your pointy ears well hidden (ok she misheard me.)

Here are some people the internet says are vegan.. or follow the PBWG diet. Bill Clinton, Al Gore, Ozzy Osbourne, Kate Bush, Brian Adam,  Pamela Anderson,  Sara Pascoe , Alan Cunningham, Ted Danson, Ellen Degeneres, Mike Tyson,  Brad Pitt.

                                              The Crisp people produce their vegan list.

The Uk has the third highest % of veggies in Europe. 20%  of 18-25 yr olds in the Uk are now Veggie. About 2 million people overall and  vegan population is about 350 000. And growing.

Like my waistline!!

The dangers of veganism....
Caro 03 07 2015


  1. I'm far too chicken to have a beef with you over any of this (I'll leave pork and duck to EvKa), but I must say that in your introduction to VEGAN I could have sworn you were describing Boulder, Colorado, a town which holds a very special (cholesterol-free) place in my heart.

    Thanks for the smile you sent to me in my Greecey place of abode.

    1.'s not fair when you win the comment thread in the first comment.

      Makes me think there's something fishy about you...

    2. Yes, Susan, at times I flounder.

  2. Yes Jeff, I think they are a type found everywhere (like murder I suppose),
    Is it generally known that Clinton is vegan in the USA? It's not what he's best known for over here!!

    1. Of all the things Clinton is thought to be in the USA, Caro, I think I can safely say "vegan" is not one of them.

    2. I'd never heard that he was vegan. And...anything else I could say about my knowledge of Clinton's dietary habits would be...well, let's just say I'll leave this here and walk away.

  3. Regarding your fears, Caro, of becoming more odd, more quirky, fear not, lay them to rest. It's not possible.

    And at Jeff's request, I can only say that you should pig out for the entire month. [Ducking and running, or at least wombling...]

    I was going to say that I enjoyed half of what you wrote more than half of what I read, but understood only half of what I read because the other half was written in some gibbergomble that certainly wasn't the King's English. But instead I must admit, with a sheepish expression upon my mug, that I'm still chuckling over the other half.

    Time to stop flogging a dead horse.

  4. Great post, Caro. Most of my vegan friends (I have quite a few) are a bit, well, quirky...but fortunately none of them go quite as far as your example. Still...I laughed my way through this because I actually have met (meat??) several who look suspiciously familiar when viewed through this lens...